Well, I'm never sure what triggers in my brain to tell me to write a blog post these days, but here it is anyways. Prepare yourselves for me trying to explain the last five months of things going on in my brain.
I am surprised to see that I never really made a post-Cinema Spectacular entry. And it definitely deserves a lot of reflection - having initiated the very very beginnings of the second one this past week. The event went well, and even though there were not as many buns in seats as I had hoped, I really appreciated all of the familiar faces, the lovely staff at the Vancity helping us out, and the support I had from my family. Having been my first event I had organized on such a scale, of course there were things I could have done better, more I could have done to market the projects, the event itself - but these experiences are built for learning and expanding. To do better.
Leading up to the screening, and ever since then, the marketing approach to the screening got me thinking - not only about independent cinema, but about local cinema as well. The event became centred around the idea of supporting local film - film born out of the talents here, from initial insight to the credit roll. Because these films are a way to express ourselves - not as a cog in an infinite machine, but as a mind, often collaborating with others, figuring things out. What I loved about our line-up is that, in the end, everyone had a favourite - and all the answers were different. And I am proud that the program ended up having such a wonderful personality as a whole - better than I ever could have hoped.
Leading up to the screening, and ever since then, the marketing approach to the screening got me thinking - not only about independent cinema, but about local cinema as well. The event became centred around the idea of supporting local film - film born out of the talents here, from initial insight to the credit roll. Because these films are a way to express ourselves - not as a cog in an infinite machine, but as a mind, often collaborating with others, figuring things out. What I loved about our line-up is that, in the end, everyone had a favourite - and all the answers were different. And I am proud that the program ended up having such a wonderful personality as a whole - better than I ever could have hoped.
After Cinema Spectacular and the premier of my last short film, My Old Flame, it had felt like I have birthed these twin monstrosities. These two projects far too large for just myself, but I wrestled with them anyways until I beat them into some sort of... shape. It took me right up until this month to properly recover, I think. Something that I know I need to relinquish in the future projects of my life is the ability to trust, to collaborate, and to truly believe in the talents of other people brought onto a team. I know so many wonderful and brilliant souls who have such a variety of abilities in this city, and I am still so nervous about putting a personal-project responsibility into the hands of another.
Vancouver is a city that, since moving here, has fairly constantly complained about some slight to the local film industry. Whether there are better tax breaks somewhere else, the premier doesn't support the arts, or some big Hollywood shindig pulled the plug and went south of the border - plus a myriad of reasons I don'tquite understand. In a digital age where you can make films for a significantly lower price, it astounds me to believe how few get made. I know things become vastly more complicated as money is thrown into it, but it is just ultimately disappointing. My views of the 'independent' market have changed - for however independent, these films are still largely dictated by names dipped in Hollywood familiarity. The more I have read about genre in class, the more useless genre has become - every class I have sat down in proposes an ideal genre - only to double back on it and explain how that genre actually encompasses EVERYTHING. "Melodrama can be anything" "oh actually, film noir is everywhere". The rules you read about end up becoming useless. Across the board.
I think after being in school for film for the better part of six years, my original fantastical view of film has been torn down. It has taken me most of the summer to be able to sit and watch a film that didn't already have the big easily-consumed, rubber stamp of Hollywood on it. The love is still there, sitting somewhere quietly. Every time it speaks up a bit, my doubts thunder down on it again and it quiets down. But in those still moments in the evenings, it is speaking up again with greater frequency.
These days, I'm finding it super tough to divide my time. Because I'm not buckled down with school, reading things I don't want to read - my reading list and interests have ballooned. Every day I wonder how much time I can spend with certain things that are important to me - film, biology, animation, feminism, learning new things in general - they say to be truly 'good' at something, you've got to do it every day. I've been learning to sculpt, draw, I started a comic strip, I started writing more, I edit film, I read new things - there is a tremendous pressure to do so much each day. While sometimes it feels I am improving myself, some days it feels like I'm trying to squeeze myself into one specific spot where I don't belong. And I'm not sure what that means.As I step out of the institutionalized education part of my life, my bucket list grows longer by the day, and this, perhaps the longest era in one's life, I step into without career, without security. And although I feel the need to have those two things at all times these days, I realize that those things are farther down a road that I may never even walk down. So, that's fun. Reeeal fun.
I suspect the next year or so may be a slow divorce from this city. It is expensive to live here, and I seem to be unable to find a job in which I feel useful and fulfilled that will pay my astronomical bills. The joy of being by myself in this city is waning, it seems.
I really want to go roll around in all the snow my hometown has right now.
For your eyeballs and your brains:
General super early-bird call for submissions - CINEMA SPECTACULAR II
As I revamp what I'd like the event to represent, have an old film that hasn't been polished up? Something that never really made the rounds at festivals? Think abooout it. E-mail me.
Hamlet! Keep up to date with the Spears' sisters stage adaptation of Hamlet!
I am surprised I don't have more? Go watch The Killing. There's another one.
