While most of my year was spent working on/recovering from Cinema Spectacular II, I recently started working at a delightful little shop called SweetGeorgia Yarns that, thankfully, have been flexible and extremely kind about my working in film habits. Trying to land more film work has been a little trickier than I had originally anticipated. Getting back into the swing of things has only revealed a lot of my previous connections have dissolved, either because they no longer are doing that kind of work, or what is happening more frequently is that a camera department is often brought on as a unit - they know one another, recommend that they work together, and they operate as a unit. Not having a steady camera department team is a bit of a wrench in the works, but I take opportunities as I can get them. When I have to stare down the show-lull barrel, it's always in the dead of night that I consider not doing it again. But as soon as I get back on a show, everything comes rushing back - meeting new people, going new places, learning tons of new things - sometimes it takes a reminder, but set's where I need to be.
So I finally wrapped up my education this spring. It's weird because I still have conversations with myself that go something like "ah shit, what do I need to cram for today?" and the answer is always "whatever you want - literally nothing or everything". School was a period of time that, while full of nice people and good times, was also filled with this looming monster that very near consumed me - self doubt. I still find myself looking over the proverbial shoulder, checking if it's still there. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
What makes this tiny on-paper victory a particularly euphoric terror is checking post-secondary off the life-list and seeing the wavering long/short tally of 'supposed tos' between now and lights out. I've been dwelling on 'supposed tos' a lot in combination with reevaluating my long term goals. Taking a step back, squinting, reframing, and muttering "why is that important, even?" If I theoretically erase those 'STs', it's just a big stretch of 'whatever', and that's a little scary. Or throwing the question "but what if you want something different at point A or B?" just throws everything into a confused tail-spin and the future starts to look stretched and Dali-like. So I guess it's going to be one-day-at-a-time for a little while here.
While the easy-peasy platitude at this point would be to put the quote "don't waste your life" over top of a stock photo of the sunset, part of me strains with the concept of how you can use your days well when they're such a variegated shitstorm of whatever - and constructing my own set of values that will A) define what 'well' is and B) not set that bar so high that misery sets in after something doesn't work out (as it often does). One-day-at-a-time becomes it's own special monster of potential opportunity/cynicism.
Something I have been working through lately is my thought processes and what triggers me to react to things the way I do. It's difficult to take apart your emotions as they happen - and it's harder to take them apart after the fact, only to realize you've definitely done something wrong or weird. Coming to terms with the way I feel about most things is an ongoing process, one that, while it has benefits of becoming more aware and better serving to myself, also stresses the following point: all of these little nagging negativities that have been part of me will remain part of me. It's possible the realization that these little nitpicks aren't something that can be gotten rid of - just buried over time with disuse - will help stabilize them to a point where they're not poking up through the foundation and muddling up something I do not want to be muddled. Fixing something for good is harder than it sounds.
Whew - well I feel better having unloaded that steaming pile somewhere other than my little-girl-heart.
Check out:
cool new things:
Le Matos - first heard this Montreal artist on the soundtrack to the Canadian-New Zealand co-production, Turbokid
Sad Ghost Club - pretty accurately mirrors my feelings to me a lot of days - this comic's one of my favourites
Be sure to check out the Vancouver Fringe Fest! Get your theatre on.
VIFF is coming soon too! Be still my heart.
A lot of things are going on over at Cinema Spectacular right now - and I've started being more active in promoting other cool projects on my production company Facebook page - Agriotherium Films - if you ever want something to look at that's more off the beaten path. On that page as well will be fall/winter updates of some/many things that are currently in the film-division works.
