End of January Update

And what a January it's been. It feels like this month's gone by fairly slow, until I look at all of the nonsense that I have/should have gotten done. This next year is going to be chalk full of busyness and work and the careful, tedious process of redeeming myself where I allowed disgrace - while at the same time, maintaining and improving my standing in my community. I see a great deal of opportunity for growth this semester, I think I just need to recognize it as such.

Thanks to a talk to my mom, I can sort of see past some of these things that I'm clinging so desperately to. Those colossal "later on down the road" concepts, really. I'm worried about losing these parts of my life because I'm focusing too much on one thing - namely this career that I hope to build for myself. But in the end, these things will pop up if and when they need to. I have a feeling this semester will teach me quite a bit about relinquishing my hold on some future, not necessarily prospects, but those distant sort of fairy tale matters.

And thanks to a talk I had the very next day with my film group and our instructor, it feels like a twelve pound boa constrictor has been exorcized from my guts. We all got the opportunity to say what none of us were saying to one another. It was becoming rather destructive. It will take time for things to be stitched up completely, but for now I'm very glad that I was able to get that chunk of festering anxiety off my chest and onto the table

I suppose another thing I have to learn is when pursuits become destructive, and to be able to recognize healthy pacing for large endeavors. After six months of over-saturation in what I'm going to call a 'hazardous dip into the deep end' driven by all the wrong reasons, I've had to pull back and start back from square one. Gotta soak my toes in the proverbial ocean before I put my head under.

If that makes any sense. It probably does not.

In less heavy news, I finally filled that hole in my heart (or, as some might say, that empty terrarium I've been carting around for two years) with a new wonderful little being whom I have named Hiccup. He's a Reed Frog, of which variation I have yet to identify. He seems to be doing well, but he's a lonely little fellow. In the event I get new, shiny job (hopefully) soon, I might get him a companion or two.

I've got a few shoots I'm crewing on in February, which is great. I've got a couple days picked during reading week to obtain my Standard First Aid certificate, which is a fairly daunting step - but I'm excited to have that advantage. In the mean time, I'm hoarding references and resume bait to join Women in Film and Television Vancouver. My mom found and suggested this to me a year or so ago and it was, at first, an easy decision for me to dismiss as an 'absolutely not'. For a time, I considered myself, not necessarily 'above' special women's programs for film, but I considered it a bit of a handicap. But in lieu of the last little while, I have recognized my need to take opportunities like these as they arise. Women's presence in film continues to disappoint me, another film student posted this article the other day.

I've been doing a bit of tinkering with felt and crafts. I was rather unmotivated to do much of anything last year, but hopefully I can make a few dollars selling bits and pieces in the next couple of months. I am shamefully poor at the moment.

Some wonderful things I came across this past week:

• Vimeo has a cooking channel. And it's beautiful.
• This man. Cinematographer for Easter Promises, The Empire Strikes Back and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• Rock Cottage Year - Gardening and cooking!

Twenty twelve.

Olá ladies and gentlemen! I hope everyone had started off their brand new year with reasonable frabjousness and you've got exciting things ahead. School's started again, and I feel the unmistakable burn of acute disinterest, it'll pass one of these days.

I did some crafts for family and friends this Christmas. I made up some wee cards, which I had tons of fun cutting those tiny snowflakes that you fold and then unfold. They didn't end up really looking like snowflakes at all, you win some and you lose some. I was also lame this Christmas and had to give my Gran and my parents the old 'book of coupons', whose orders are never filled. Ever. I promised both my Gran and my mother a pair of handknitted socks. I have tried knitting socks twice. Both times have almost ended in me trying to gouge my eyes out with knitting needles. It was the easy way out of a no-money Christmas gift. The guilt. Oh the guilt.

I also made my Gran a tiny tree ornament and I made my roomie a shark feltie, with an important message embroidered on it. I got some great functional things for Christmas, including an electric blanket (also known as my new best friend), a nice windbreaker and a power drill. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now a twenty-something woman who owns her own damn power tools. Also, steak knives.

The holidays gave me time to mull some things over that required a bit of mulling. I spent a lovely week in Canmore with my parents and aunt, visiting my grandparents' farm on boxing day. After a lacklustre new years eve spent waiting for each member of my family to drop off to sleep before the ball dropped, we packed our bags and caught an early flight to Mexico that new years day.

Asides from a bout of food poisoning, which still is following me around and reminding me of it's presence at inopportune moments, the holidays were great. Time spent with people who enjoy listening to things I have to say and remain supportive of me in my old age. It's always nice to go back home for a stint, takes me away from my own life and puts me right in with another. I did quite a bit of reading - having told myself I couldn't read anything except for textbooks and film writings last semester, I reveled in some good ole science fiction paperbacks. I enjoyed both Hyperion by Dan Simmons and Ringworld by Larry Niven. I also finished, at long last, Film Lighting by Malkiewicz - which was an absolutely fantastic read. A combination of technical references and interviews with professionals. I cracked open Walden, only to have to close it and declare it one of those books I'll save for a 'rainy day', which in all likelihood means I wont pick it up for another three or four years. I'm also in the middle of Professional Film Lighting by Carlson and Carlson - which is a dated book, being about as old as I am, but I'm using it as an intermediate for when I crack open the Set Lighting Technician's Handbook by Box. I also got a fancy subscription to American Cinematographer for Christmas with a load of backissues to delve into. I haven't had a magazine subscription since middle school, and AC is a fantastic read. So I am rather pleased.

Having dropped my economics course for this semester, thank goodness, my class schedule has thinned out considerably. This is quite nice, as it gives me plenty of time to be on sets (I've already spent over 40 hours on set in the past week) and actively seeking a new job. My first screenwriting class last week culminated in a half page of notes and personified bacon, toast and eggs smiling and holding hands. It was a productive day. Needless to say, being back in school hurts a little this semester. It's so blase. This is the tail end of my fourth year in University. It feels sort of like forever. Which is unpleasant.

It's been curious, these past five months or so, I've gone through some strange internal things that have culminated in, what I can only describe as, a bit of a reinvention via insane amounts of stress, worry and doubt. Becoming agonizingly aware of how I function around other people has forced me to recon with the image that I put out to other people and the little slice of non-reputation I seem to have with my peers. It's been curious, but rather enlightening. I've experienced these things very much in stages, first realizing that I never had anything to say because, in my mind, other people's word come before my own. Then I just sort of started ignoring everyone. Now I'm onto the stage of, yes I have things to say, but I am just going to sit here and listen to what you have to say instead of telling you what I think. It's a process, ladies and gentlemen. It's hard to contest with people who can so easily hold their intelligence over your head, and it's hard to see through that jack-assery to the fact that you can, indeed, be intelligent but not arrogant.

Anyways, lots of living and learning going on, as per usual. I haven't been feeling too great this week, so I haven't gotten a whole lot done between that and being on set. But I hope I can level out next week and get some things done. I turn 21 in just over a month, and although I don't think I've changed too much in the past year, I seem to have learned a lot. I'm seeking a bit of shuffling around in my routine, so I'm hoping I can land a new job in the next month or so and get on with things. It feels like I've been stubbornly sitting in a puddle for the past little while. It's nice to realize what I want, and it's nice to know that maybe I'm getting to the point where I feel empowered enough to go out and get it. Again, it's a process.

For Freak Steaks is back up and running - cinematography stuff and junk. Vunderbaar!
I've also gotten a Mubi account, if any of you are into that.