In a round about sort-of way.

Well, a frivolous holiday already come and gone, school started again this week with a weird unfamiliarity with being around people and being so inexcusably out of my comfort zone I could hardly stand it. As of yesterday I'm on my first student film crew of the year, gaffing a grad film - it feels really good. Even the sound of gels being rolled up had a certain je-ne-sais-pas. It's exciting to be learning again, although this semester's workload is extraordinarily daunting. But, the more I think about it, the more I think it's the right kind of workload that keeps me on my feet, not in the crazy house (with any luck). 

I'm still getting fairly ahead of myself with my first semester film, but the script is puttering a long to the eventual completion of the first draft. It'll be a challenge, as I'm incorporating a little bit of everything in it (cinematography-wise): a bit of indoor, outdoor and stop-motion photography. I've started to pull together bits and pieces of crew as I go along. Some large issues that are summing up nicely in the form of panicked jolts in the middle of the night are: time (in general), casting, finances and some critical crew positions I feel unprepared to fill. The chunks of wisdom I've gathered from this week have helped me a little to get back on my feet and start thinking about things in a more organized fashion. I've short listed some films to revisit in lieu of this script, to be brought into a style scheme and mindset. I'm hoping this weekend I can complete a first draft and start assembling a basic style package to pass on to my art director (ooooooooo, I've got one of those).

35mm photography (dispersed throughout this post) has been a great jumping point for me this past month into the exploration of creating depth and texture in photos. While keeping me familiar with the medium of film, it keeps me on the up and up about primes and zoom lenses, and it's actually made me much more aware of light on a day-to-day basis. Photography for me, is more of an exercise than an art form at this point, but I do really enjoy the experience of it. Seeing what I can capture, testing different stocks, seeing the results of an error and being delighted with the effect. I've been shooting mostly black and white, to keep me searching for tone, background/foreground differentiation and how to make a subject interesting without colour. It's actually given me a great deal of confidence going into this semester, where I plan to shoot and direct a short film - despite that people keep cringing every time I tell them my plan to do so. The next step to that is to be able to grant my confidence to a camera operator and a gaffer to enable me to move about my set freely. That's the kicker.

Back in Canmore last week I had some smaller adventures - camping in Elbow Valley, stalking a great grey owl with my Nikon, highland dancing in the beer tent at the Canmore Highland Games, going to a different store to buy pants (good god), getting all your drinks paid for because a friend's making loads more money than you, cheese fondues, so much brie for breakfast, rediscovering the wonders of trail mix, failing at making a pretty cake (just tasted good, I guess), introducing my family to some super cinema (Take Shelter) and eating expensive Alberta sushi. The trip felt rather short, but it was nice to catch up on some sleep, see some people I only see once or twice in a year, plus I rather enjoy chilling with my parents (and my dog) - but it sounds like this winter I'll be coming home for two or three weeks, giving me loads of time to muck about the valley.

I hope everyone is having a solid start to their academic year!

A video you should watch, because fish are radical - so is MBARI:

End of January Update

And what a January it's been. It feels like this month's gone by fairly slow, until I look at all of the nonsense that I have/should have gotten done. This next year is going to be chalk full of busyness and work and the careful, tedious process of redeeming myself where I allowed disgrace - while at the same time, maintaining and improving my standing in my community. I see a great deal of opportunity for growth this semester, I think I just need to recognize it as such.

Thanks to a talk to my mom, I can sort of see past some of these things that I'm clinging so desperately to. Those colossal "later on down the road" concepts, really. I'm worried about losing these parts of my life because I'm focusing too much on one thing - namely this career that I hope to build for myself. But in the end, these things will pop up if and when they need to. I have a feeling this semester will teach me quite a bit about relinquishing my hold on some future, not necessarily prospects, but those distant sort of fairy tale matters.

And thanks to a talk I had the very next day with my film group and our instructor, it feels like a twelve pound boa constrictor has been exorcized from my guts. We all got the opportunity to say what none of us were saying to one another. It was becoming rather destructive. It will take time for things to be stitched up completely, but for now I'm very glad that I was able to get that chunk of festering anxiety off my chest and onto the table

I suppose another thing I have to learn is when pursuits become destructive, and to be able to recognize healthy pacing for large endeavors. After six months of over-saturation in what I'm going to call a 'hazardous dip into the deep end' driven by all the wrong reasons, I've had to pull back and start back from square one. Gotta soak my toes in the proverbial ocean before I put my head under.

If that makes any sense. It probably does not.

In less heavy news, I finally filled that hole in my heart (or, as some might say, that empty terrarium I've been carting around for two years) with a new wonderful little being whom I have named Hiccup. He's a Reed Frog, of which variation I have yet to identify. He seems to be doing well, but he's a lonely little fellow. In the event I get new, shiny job (hopefully) soon, I might get him a companion or two.

I've got a few shoots I'm crewing on in February, which is great. I've got a couple days picked during reading week to obtain my Standard First Aid certificate, which is a fairly daunting step - but I'm excited to have that advantage. In the mean time, I'm hoarding references and resume bait to join Women in Film and Television Vancouver. My mom found and suggested this to me a year or so ago and it was, at first, an easy decision for me to dismiss as an 'absolutely not'. For a time, I considered myself, not necessarily 'above' special women's programs for film, but I considered it a bit of a handicap. But in lieu of the last little while, I have recognized my need to take opportunities like these as they arise. Women's presence in film continues to disappoint me, another film student posted this article the other day.

I've been doing a bit of tinkering with felt and crafts. I was rather unmotivated to do much of anything last year, but hopefully I can make a few dollars selling bits and pieces in the next couple of months. I am shamefully poor at the moment.

Some wonderful things I came across this past week:

• Vimeo has a cooking channel. And it's beautiful.
• This man. Cinematographer for Easter Promises, The Empire Strikes Back and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• Rock Cottage Year - Gardening and cooking!

Twenty twelve.

Olá ladies and gentlemen! I hope everyone had started off their brand new year with reasonable frabjousness and you've got exciting things ahead. School's started again, and I feel the unmistakable burn of acute disinterest, it'll pass one of these days.

I did some crafts for family and friends this Christmas. I made up some wee cards, which I had tons of fun cutting those tiny snowflakes that you fold and then unfold. They didn't end up really looking like snowflakes at all, you win some and you lose some. I was also lame this Christmas and had to give my Gran and my parents the old 'book of coupons', whose orders are never filled. Ever. I promised both my Gran and my mother a pair of handknitted socks. I have tried knitting socks twice. Both times have almost ended in me trying to gouge my eyes out with knitting needles. It was the easy way out of a no-money Christmas gift. The guilt. Oh the guilt.

I also made my Gran a tiny tree ornament and I made my roomie a shark feltie, with an important message embroidered on it. I got some great functional things for Christmas, including an electric blanket (also known as my new best friend), a nice windbreaker and a power drill. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now a twenty-something woman who owns her own damn power tools. Also, steak knives.

The holidays gave me time to mull some things over that required a bit of mulling. I spent a lovely week in Canmore with my parents and aunt, visiting my grandparents' farm on boxing day. After a lacklustre new years eve spent waiting for each member of my family to drop off to sleep before the ball dropped, we packed our bags and caught an early flight to Mexico that new years day.

Asides from a bout of food poisoning, which still is following me around and reminding me of it's presence at inopportune moments, the holidays were great. Time spent with people who enjoy listening to things I have to say and remain supportive of me in my old age. It's always nice to go back home for a stint, takes me away from my own life and puts me right in with another. I did quite a bit of reading - having told myself I couldn't read anything except for textbooks and film writings last semester, I reveled in some good ole science fiction paperbacks. I enjoyed both Hyperion by Dan Simmons and Ringworld by Larry Niven. I also finished, at long last, Film Lighting by Malkiewicz - which was an absolutely fantastic read. A combination of technical references and interviews with professionals. I cracked open Walden, only to have to close it and declare it one of those books I'll save for a 'rainy day', which in all likelihood means I wont pick it up for another three or four years. I'm also in the middle of Professional Film Lighting by Carlson and Carlson - which is a dated book, being about as old as I am, but I'm using it as an intermediate for when I crack open the Set Lighting Technician's Handbook by Box. I also got a fancy subscription to American Cinematographer for Christmas with a load of backissues to delve into. I haven't had a magazine subscription since middle school, and AC is a fantastic read. So I am rather pleased.

Having dropped my economics course for this semester, thank goodness, my class schedule has thinned out considerably. This is quite nice, as it gives me plenty of time to be on sets (I've already spent over 40 hours on set in the past week) and actively seeking a new job. My first screenwriting class last week culminated in a half page of notes and personified bacon, toast and eggs smiling and holding hands. It was a productive day. Needless to say, being back in school hurts a little this semester. It's so blase. This is the tail end of my fourth year in University. It feels sort of like forever. Which is unpleasant.

It's been curious, these past five months or so, I've gone through some strange internal things that have culminated in, what I can only describe as, a bit of a reinvention via insane amounts of stress, worry and doubt. Becoming agonizingly aware of how I function around other people has forced me to recon with the image that I put out to other people and the little slice of non-reputation I seem to have with my peers. It's been curious, but rather enlightening. I've experienced these things very much in stages, first realizing that I never had anything to say because, in my mind, other people's word come before my own. Then I just sort of started ignoring everyone. Now I'm onto the stage of, yes I have things to say, but I am just going to sit here and listen to what you have to say instead of telling you what I think. It's a process, ladies and gentlemen. It's hard to contest with people who can so easily hold their intelligence over your head, and it's hard to see through that jack-assery to the fact that you can, indeed, be intelligent but not arrogant.

Anyways, lots of living and learning going on, as per usual. I haven't been feeling too great this week, so I haven't gotten a whole lot done between that and being on set. But I hope I can level out next week and get some things done. I turn 21 in just over a month, and although I don't think I've changed too much in the past year, I seem to have learned a lot. I'm seeking a bit of shuffling around in my routine, so I'm hoping I can land a new job in the next month or so and get on with things. It feels like I've been stubbornly sitting in a puddle for the past little while. It's nice to realize what I want, and it's nice to know that maybe I'm getting to the point where I feel empowered enough to go out and get it. Again, it's a process.

For Freak Steaks is back up and running - cinematography stuff and junk. Vunderbaar!
I've also gotten a Mubi account, if any of you are into that.

Joone. Looking past July.

Yeah what. I rainbow'd the felt box.

  Things have been rather stagnant this summer semester, punctuated by these incredibly tumultuous moments that sort of shake around the brain a little. A lot of evaluation and reevaluation has been occurring. Lots of attempts at backpedaling and not a ton of success at it. Summer's become something to just 'get over with', which is all sorts of wrong in my book. Waiting to see if I made the cut into the 2nd year of the program is just driving me up the wall. I'd just like to know if I'm a failure sooner rather than later please and thank you, SFU. All the things I've planned to do this summer have sort of fizzled. I was going to sew and sell tons of felties and make tons of movies and take tons of photos and learn tons of new things and go to the beach and garden and read lots. Let's just say I have done very few of those things. When work slows down in a couple weeks, I'm hoping I can get to the point where I can get up and just do something wonderful with my day, every day. There are two months left to make up for two months of nothing. Because why have a lame summer, when you can have a pretty alright one?

  I lost an awesomely dear friend recently, I talk about it on my video blog a little. It's here, if you'd like to see it. I get a little weepy, but I sort of just needed to talk about him a little. I still get weepy every few days, his loss is one that'll always be with me. But it's getting better, and I look back on the good times that we all had while he was here with us. I didn't make the trip home to attend the funeral, which, depending on the day, is a decision that I am somewhat glad or incredibly saddened I made. One thing that sort of shuffled out of the ashes, however, was a feeling of community that sort of reached out to me from the eastward province. The feeling has since dispersed, but it was very comforting to know that in times of grief, sadness and need, we could come together and make sure that everyone's doing alright. A lot of people were proud to call him a friend, as he was someone who was kind and friendly and always made a point of making other people laugh. Canmore gave him a good send-off. It's hard not being able to talk to or hug someone who meant so much to me and who was in my life for such a long time. I miss him a lot.

  In other, much, much more frabjous news, I've moved away from the basement and into the top floor of an old house. Some attributes I enjoy about my new residence: it has lovely, huge windows everywhere, the bathroom is orange, the kitchen is gigantic, we turned our two futons into a sectional, room to garden and we have our own doorbell! Some attributes I do not enjoy about my new residence: the fridge screams in agony every day or so, we think it is dying, my room is this nuclear blue that is unlike any colour I have ever seen, but I lack the funds and the pure strength of will to paint it and I have a fear of falling out of my bedroom window because it is sort of falling apart. But all in all, it's a pretty swell set up. My parents came out for two days and the move went super smoothly thanks to some burly film chums and Mickie! Thanks to the quick move, I got to spend some more time with my parents, which was nice. It wasn't near enough time, of course, but it was nice to see a familiar face from Canmore after John passed away. We took a trip to Granville Island and gave a toast to his memory and all-around awesomeness. He and I went to Granville Island and had a super time in 2009. He was here for his 19th birthday, so I made him Bender out of felt, because we both enjoyed watching Futurama to an extreme degree.

  Moving out of my old place was super surreal. Between losing John and packing up all of my belongings in the same week, it was a strange and empty feeling. Now I look back on it and it feels like I never really lived there at all. I was there for 11 whole months! I'm quite glad I'm here now. I've got a room mate who I can talk with when I get home instead of stewing in misery by myself. Currently, it's a little bit like Tetris trying to find places for everything. I have an extreme number of books, DVDs and film equipment and downsizing to a room probably half the size of my last one has been a bit of a 'where to put all of this shit I own' sort of challenge. My books are all in disarray and it is driving me all up the wall. Due to my large amount of film equipment, most of my closet is dedicated to my camera rack. Who needs clothes anyways.

  We've also got some new additions to the fish family. We went to buy a couple of tetras to make my green fire tetra, Miles, company. He's been all by his lonesome since around November and he needed some chums to school with. So we picked up an orange glowlight tetra and a silver tip tetra, whom we named Herp and Derp, respectively. It was tremendous to see Miles trying to school with Herp and Derp while they were still acclimatizing to the water temperature in a plastic bags. Now they seem to be best of friends. Yes, I'm a big fan of aquarium fish. Deeeeal with it! We also picked up a couple of new aquarium plants, as the tank now gets a fair amount of sunlight.

  I'm rather excited for August. Once my exams are all wrapped up and I (hopefully) never con myself into taking summer courses again as long as I live, I'm going to take a jaunt over to Vancouver Island to pay my Gran a visit for a week  or maybe a little less. Then I'm heading home to Canmore for a week or so! I'm so excited! I've been missing home a lot this past year and didn't think I could quite last til next Christmas to see those mountains out the front window, my puppydog Finnegan and my folks back home. My original plan was to start shooting some sort of documentary about my family this summer, but I just haven't developed a solid enough plan for it quite yet. I'm so excited to just have two weeks of no school and no work. Simply visiting and chatting and watching movies. It's been a while since I've had a bit of a break like that. So that's something to look forward to, film school or no!

  I've been trying to hash out a couple of film ideas, but I can't seem to form any of them into much of anything. Pages and pages of rather self-indulgent monologue, but that's about it. I apparently am a big fan of using voice overs, or perhaps I'm just a terrible dialogue writer and proceed to just lean on monologues to get the point across. Who knows! I guess I'll just keep writing and see what develops. I'd be looking forward to screenwriting classes come fall, but I don't want to get my heart set on anything (thanks again SFU!)

  The past few weeks, I've just been haunted by this feeling that I'm never going to get anywhere in life. Currently wondering how so many seem to work past that. And sort of just... persist. It's just hard to see past the end of my own nose, currently.

  Hope the end of June is most excellent for everyone and happy summer! Go frolic on the beaches and drink delicious slushed adult beverages and cook things over fire pits and stargaze and go on long walks in the wilderness and read in the sun and bask in the lovely, lovely heat.

Stay classy.

Some shout outs! I shall link them, and you shall go to them.

Next week, look for a post where I re-visit Choch! Brendan's put the whole damn thing online for two weeks for you to watch for free! Please take an evening and watch it, think about it, maybe discuss it with a friend or two. Then, perhaps you'd like to kindly donate to the cause - helping the film get distributed out to film festivals and into your own homes!

The Long Road Home also needs your help! They only have 8 days left to raise the remainder of their production costs!

Joel's 30 days of film - what a challenge! He's done nine so far! Just think, he's got another twenty one to go! In this one, number eight, get up close and personal with Joel's big toes.

Support independent film! Because it is oh-so-awesome.

Check out my exorbitant amount of other blogs:

Kingfisher Says - Video blogging because I'm horrible at speaking intellegently

Soup is for Winners - Indulging in GIFs and fandom beyond reason

Groove Nugget - Film and video Tumblr where I post all sorts of film and video I fancy