Articulation.

Apologies, another 'these are my feelings' post. I'm very antsy and stressed, I've got to get it out somehow.

After this long haul of two semesters draws to an uncomfortably hasty close, I'm disappointed, exhausted and anxiety ridden. As much as I am ready for this hell-child to be delivered, there's still tons of work to do on our short film for this semester. Trying to tie up the lose ends while job hunting like a fiend, prepping end of semester assignments, battling colds (seemingly all the time?) and getting some shut eye every so often has been difficult. But we're screening May 1st, 2012. So save the date. Save it good. If you love seeing blood, sweat and tears shot on super 16mm film, this screening sure as hell is for you.

I've got a couple sewing projects in tow, just paper plans at the moment. But in the mean time check out this totally normal looking, sort of kitch felt pear I made! To tell you the truth, this pear did have a goofy face. But due to the unlikelihood of people enjoying pears with weird faces as much as myself, I removed it. I mean, I enjoy creating monsters so much more, but I think there is more of a 'market' for classier felties with less of my own brand of psychotic flair.

I am now one of those idiots with one of everything on the internet. Mubi, GoodReads, Pinterest. No wonder I find myself wasting so much time doing things that don't really amount to anything.

The library continues to be a dear friend, I'm now waist deep in Herzog on Herzog by Paul Cronin and it's just absolutely fantastic. Herzog's attitude about, not only filmmaking, but life in general is an absolute gem. I'm really quite enjoying these filmmaker and cinematographer interviews. Although they provide no technical know-how, they instill a certain set of personal values - a sort of code of living, communicating and creating with one's self and others. I find the interviews absolutely enthralling. I've got Scorsese, Leigh, Wilder, Wenders and Tarkovsky lined up for April.

I've spent a lot of time worrying about what other people think of me lately. All this has been so distracting, I could be putting my brain power to something useful! Something that doesn't cause a self-consciousness collapse mid-conversation with an acquaintance. I can identify these short comings with insane accuracy, but it's as if my brain decides that no, it doesn't want to fix it's problems, and I continue in a particularly misconstrued fashion and no progress is made. My brain and I have what I like to call a 'working relationship'.

I am experiencing a feeling of unease these past few days. Past the end of semester stresses, past the always-present anxious sort of nervousness I experience on a daily basis. But I think I just pushed the unease and found this strange, exhilarating space in my consciousness. After dunking myself in a vat of responsibility and new experiences this past weekend on a certain short film, I think I tore open a small corner of the giant tarp suffocating my brain with fear and doubt and all of those wonderful feelings. I deserve a little corner of satisfaction, and I think to remain in a cold, dark corner only to maintain a sense of security is an excuse that I should not be making. The world is a very, very large place. There's room to wander, to change direction, to broaden one's horizons.

So there it is. Onwards, if not upwards.

Anyways, some things you should look at:

Cinnamon Bun. A legitimate song my roommate and I wrote while procrastinating one evening.

The Virtual Stage - a Vancouver based organization combining theater with new media, be sure to check out the Cruel and Unusual short film updates!

The Hobbit Production Blogs - they make my day, every day

Les Blank's documentary Werner Herzog Eats his Shoe, in lieu of Errol Morris' success.

Twenty twelve.

Olá ladies and gentlemen! I hope everyone had started off their brand new year with reasonable frabjousness and you've got exciting things ahead. School's started again, and I feel the unmistakable burn of acute disinterest, it'll pass one of these days.

I did some crafts for family and friends this Christmas. I made up some wee cards, which I had tons of fun cutting those tiny snowflakes that you fold and then unfold. They didn't end up really looking like snowflakes at all, you win some and you lose some. I was also lame this Christmas and had to give my Gran and my parents the old 'book of coupons', whose orders are never filled. Ever. I promised both my Gran and my mother a pair of handknitted socks. I have tried knitting socks twice. Both times have almost ended in me trying to gouge my eyes out with knitting needles. It was the easy way out of a no-money Christmas gift. The guilt. Oh the guilt.

I also made my Gran a tiny tree ornament and I made my roomie a shark feltie, with an important message embroidered on it. I got some great functional things for Christmas, including an electric blanket (also known as my new best friend), a nice windbreaker and a power drill. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now a twenty-something woman who owns her own damn power tools. Also, steak knives.

The holidays gave me time to mull some things over that required a bit of mulling. I spent a lovely week in Canmore with my parents and aunt, visiting my grandparents' farm on boxing day. After a lacklustre new years eve spent waiting for each member of my family to drop off to sleep before the ball dropped, we packed our bags and caught an early flight to Mexico that new years day.

Asides from a bout of food poisoning, which still is following me around and reminding me of it's presence at inopportune moments, the holidays were great. Time spent with people who enjoy listening to things I have to say and remain supportive of me in my old age. It's always nice to go back home for a stint, takes me away from my own life and puts me right in with another. I did quite a bit of reading - having told myself I couldn't read anything except for textbooks and film writings last semester, I reveled in some good ole science fiction paperbacks. I enjoyed both Hyperion by Dan Simmons and Ringworld by Larry Niven. I also finished, at long last, Film Lighting by Malkiewicz - which was an absolutely fantastic read. A combination of technical references and interviews with professionals. I cracked open Walden, only to have to close it and declare it one of those books I'll save for a 'rainy day', which in all likelihood means I wont pick it up for another three or four years. I'm also in the middle of Professional Film Lighting by Carlson and Carlson - which is a dated book, being about as old as I am, but I'm using it as an intermediate for when I crack open the Set Lighting Technician's Handbook by Box. I also got a fancy subscription to American Cinematographer for Christmas with a load of backissues to delve into. I haven't had a magazine subscription since middle school, and AC is a fantastic read. So I am rather pleased.

Having dropped my economics course for this semester, thank goodness, my class schedule has thinned out considerably. This is quite nice, as it gives me plenty of time to be on sets (I've already spent over 40 hours on set in the past week) and actively seeking a new job. My first screenwriting class last week culminated in a half page of notes and personified bacon, toast and eggs smiling and holding hands. It was a productive day. Needless to say, being back in school hurts a little this semester. It's so blase. This is the tail end of my fourth year in University. It feels sort of like forever. Which is unpleasant.

It's been curious, these past five months or so, I've gone through some strange internal things that have culminated in, what I can only describe as, a bit of a reinvention via insane amounts of stress, worry and doubt. Becoming agonizingly aware of how I function around other people has forced me to recon with the image that I put out to other people and the little slice of non-reputation I seem to have with my peers. It's been curious, but rather enlightening. I've experienced these things very much in stages, first realizing that I never had anything to say because, in my mind, other people's word come before my own. Then I just sort of started ignoring everyone. Now I'm onto the stage of, yes I have things to say, but I am just going to sit here and listen to what you have to say instead of telling you what I think. It's a process, ladies and gentlemen. It's hard to contest with people who can so easily hold their intelligence over your head, and it's hard to see through that jack-assery to the fact that you can, indeed, be intelligent but not arrogant.

Anyways, lots of living and learning going on, as per usual. I haven't been feeling too great this week, so I haven't gotten a whole lot done between that and being on set. But I hope I can level out next week and get some things done. I turn 21 in just over a month, and although I don't think I've changed too much in the past year, I seem to have learned a lot. I'm seeking a bit of shuffling around in my routine, so I'm hoping I can land a new job in the next month or so and get on with things. It feels like I've been stubbornly sitting in a puddle for the past little while. It's nice to realize what I want, and it's nice to know that maybe I'm getting to the point where I feel empowered enough to go out and get it. Again, it's a process.

For Freak Steaks is back up and running - cinematography stuff and junk. Vunderbaar!
I've also gotten a Mubi account, if any of you are into that.

The end of the semester and Creature 003.

  Happy end of April! It's been one hell of a month, I'm not going to lie. It seems that life is becoming increasingly dense and uncertain and bizarre. I definitely am not minding it as much as I thought I would!

  I had a super two days with my pal Aerlan this week. It was a super surprise because he was supposed to mosey on down to Seattle for a visit. First, we went to a super hot pot place down on Victoria Drive (highly recommended - Fatty Cow Seafood Hot Pot!) where we partook in a little bit of everything, which included some "out of the comfort zone" foods such as oysters, liver and kidney. It was pretty tasty, except for the weird things. But, hey - now I can say, "I've totally eaten pork kidney," which I suppose I can consider a point of pride? The next day we had a super marathon of The Outsiders, American Graffiti and MASH followed by a strange dinner at a shifty Chinese food place that had horrible service - but hey, all the restaurants you walk into randomly can't be winners.

  I had a great dinner with my friend Amanda when she came through town on her way to spend a glorious year in Taiwan (take a peek at her travel blog!) when we walked around on Kingsway searching for some chow. We came across a strange place called Mega Grill. Seemed to have a little bit of everything. Lamb souvlaki for ten bucks (no objections here!) followed by surprise belly dancing. Yes, belly dancing. It was cool for about a minute before it got horribly awkward in that tiny restaurant. But again - it was a curious experience, and I'm starting to not mind those.

With school over - films screened and exams all wrapped up, I finally got around to sewing a bit this week. Creature 003 is up on Etsy! I think his limbs turned out pretty adorable, as did his teeth and eyebrows. The overall shape of him is kind of funny - but hopefully someone will give him a happy home! Sewing on my days off was such a zen experience. I'd put on some Star Trek Next Generation and stitch all afternoon! I'm looking forward to seeing what sort of felties I create all summer long! Remember to keep an eye out on my Etsy shop. I'm really going to be trying to spruce it up and keep it nice and stocked up from now until Christmas! So many felties!

I ended up taking a couple of courses over the summer - but with only one day actually affected by this I've been plotting out my summer beyond the work place. I'm bummed out I have to work so much - but its something I've been slowly coming to terms to, the fact that I'll be working jobs like this for quite some time. But I've got a solid job that pays alright, and I'll hang on to it until a better opportunity comes a long.

The end of the semester has really brought a change in mindset for me. I think the past four months have really gotten the ball rolling in a sort of "mental maturation" that had been overdue for a happening. After eight months of film school and meeting some of the most fantastic people, I think I've really started to gain new perspectives and at least get a foot hold in the seemingly unscalable wall of the lazy, procrastinating and boring self. I've definitely had a shift in my mind set and it seems that I'm much more positive and am regaining the passion and drive that I had lost in the previous two years of University.

Creator and Monster - and vise versa

The summer seems bright - I was not looking forward to four months of nose to the grindstone cashier work. But things keep popping up that will break up the monotony. I've told myself that by the end of the summer I want three complete short films written and directed by myself as well as a stop motion done on 16mm and the Bolex. I've got an idea or two that I'm slowly developing for the shorts. I basically just want to get out there and make films. It's something I've never really done. Any project that I've done in the past five years has been for school or a paid gig that I didn't have much interest in. With everything I learned this past year, I think I could really make some personal headway in developing a storytelling and visual technique. It's going to be awesome! Some traveling might be in the future as well - and that's always awesome!

I've got two fellow filmmaker shout outs to make this week:

CHOCH! Filmmaker Brendan Prost - creator of Generation Why - premiered his next feature, Choch, at Woodwards a couple of weeks ago. My review for it should be up in the next few days! Now that he's back in Calgary for the summer he's looking to get the word out. I believe he's going to be announcing some Alberta bound screenings in the next couple days. Choch is fantastic - a look at the identities we find ourselves putting up for the sake of fitting in as youth and as well as adults. Shot on a supremely modest budget, this indie film is worth the trip! Go check out a screening and tell your friends! Independent films greatly depend on word of mouth and small promotions. Prost's work improves with each project - take a gander at his previous work. He's got a new website up!

The Long Road Home! Hailing from Capilano U, Adam and Alex are working their way across country to their home towns in Ontario to start production on their first feature, The Long Road Home. They desperately need your support (and maybe some cash, if you've got any to spare). If you find yourself in Ontario this summer and want to lend a hand, get a hold of them via IndieGoGo! Or drop them a donation or a supportive word or two - whatever you can spare!

Support independent film!

I should really be asleep already, as it's a dense weekend filled with work and house hunting! Yes, I am moving! It's going to be insaaaaane!

I did a bit of a photo shoot of my firebellied toads as I fed them the other day. I've had these toads a very long time and every so often I just need to document their little handsome faces!

In other news, in an attempt to improve my speaking/conversation ability, I have started a video blog for the sole purpose of talking about anything and everything. My first post will be up shortly - but check it out at Kingfisher Says!