Salutations, autumnal breeze.

And by autumnal breeze, I mean raindrops both large and cold.

“The thing is you have to fight the whole time. You can’t stop. Otherwise you just end up somewhere, bobbing in the middle of a life you never wanted.”

—	Alexander Maksik, You Deserve Nothing

While I sit patiently waiting for my film to return to me from it's trip to Seattle, I would like to talk briefly about all of these 'Generation Y' articles that seem to go through fits and spurts of straight up bothering me on all social media fronts. Even last year they lured me in with their apathetic temptations. Every time I read one of these (or, pretty much any article from the Thought Catalog) I feel conflicted. The internal conversation always went something like, 'sure, sure yeah, I can sort of relate, I guess,' followed by an uncomfortable silence in which I would try to figure out why this article even mattered. Why I felt so troubled about these articles wasn't ever inherently clear to me - they were just frustrating to read. Generalizing problems through such vague and blanketing terms, their fates seemed similar to that of the astrology column of your local newspaper. Bitching about being a twenty-something now seems to be the 'it' thing to do. Not offering up any solutions, nor questions that we can work towards an answer. Everyone says we're lost, doing not enough of one thing (sex/drugs/rock and roll), not enough of another (sex/drugs/rock and roll). 

I would like to offer you this counter article in Contenders Magazine written by the affable Alex Caulfield: 100 Things that Prove You're an Asshole - seek out the original article if you wish, but I did, and I was faced with immediate regret.

I'm finding articles on the internet more and more irrelevant and frivolous as ever. A lot of things circulated around the blogosphere are just plain irresponsible. And there's just so much of it. I can't take much at face value because the internet is full of trolls and hoaxes.

The problem with a lot of these Gen-Y/nutburger articles is trying to pin blame on things.  And then, while my eyes are open to all that blame-slinging, I see so much more! When I was home in August, I had my two time-a-year access to satellite TV, and the 24 hour news cycle (and Guy Fieri marathons, who are we even kidding). All I was able to see on the news is people trying to blame things on other people. Yes, so this happened - who can we blame? Some parents in the United States are still trying to get John Green's books banned - let's blame a young adult fiction writer for exposing things to our children that we haven't been able to explain to them because there is no way the real world will ever effect them in any way. Your kid fell off a jungle gym - the obvious solution is, apparently, to label the playground as 'dangerous' and berate whoever is in charge to dismantle it or you'll sue. So your kids aren't getting good grades in high school - obviously, the solution is to blame the teacher's ineptitude while your kid learns nothing of value, not from school, and not from you. The winner these days is never the good guy, it's whoever gets away scott-free. It seems that the one who slings the most slander becomes saintly.

And becoming aware of this common string - I am rather aware now of how I utilize blame in my own day-to-day activities. It takes a lot to change your own perspective in life, a lot of the time it's easier to remain the same, remain ignorant, remain blind. The more positively-inclined teachers at my high school made it abundantly clear to me back in the day, that change begins with one person. This meant something to me when I was in my teens (it mostly had to do with recycling), but it means something slightly different to me now. 'Be the change you want to see' is this rope I hang onto above a deep, dark pool of all of the big, unfortunate problems that plague humanity. If you look down for too long, it gets really depressing. I mean, those are some large-and-in-charge problems. But that rope is what you've got. So, hand over hand, you've got to climb. At a certain point, you resign to the fact you'll be climbing for the rest of your days, so you climb. My climb begins - on an infinitesimal scale - I'm weirded out with people not making any eye contact in my neighbourhood. So I've started making eye contact with like... everyone. Whether it's little things, big things, or everything, take it and do your best to fix it, even if no body else is giving it a try.

Okay, and here's one more thing, here's a new pet peeve I have. In fact, it's become a big, snarling pet peeve. It might have something to do with that big, dark pool previously stated. See, for a long time, I haven't known what I wanted in the short to long term. In the past two or three years, I've been figuring those things out. It's sort of like feeling your way across a snow-crusted glacier. That shit's scary. But if you survive, you learn, and off you go to another glacier. I've been figuring out what I value, what I need to get to where I've got to go. While I was figuring those things out - it was common place to sort of get stepped on. After getting stepped on one too many times, however, that lesson's been (finally) learned. And upon presenting someone new with a list of things that are, to me, common sense - I was met with abject back-pedalling. The first time I was able to call someone out, they tried to weasel out of it by saying I was wrong. Naturally, I was hurt, but the hurt was so temporary. Because I knew I was in the right. It was so magnificently empowering - hell, I might just need to do if more often.

Respect isn't even something to be earned, it's something you've got to demand. Sometimes you literally have to shake it out of other people, or leave them behind. I don't even know.

Here's to a self-imposed ban on letting people walk all over me.

Anyways.

My film was shipped last Monday. I await for it's return, and with it, all sorts of truths. When it comes back, that box will be either filled with a great deal of worth, or none at all. It's driving me bananas. Bananas, I say!

It's been a weird month back in Vancouver. I feel I'm behind in all aspects of things. Really feeling the rain, and we've only gotten a toe into fall.

Is there strength in solitude? Perhaps.

Probably old news, but you all should probably read Markus Zusak's The Book Thief.

Oh, and the photos in this post are ones I took in August in Canmore - trying out Lomography's colour 800 speed 35mm still film. So good, so vibrant, very versatile. I pretty much just love Lomography. So. There.

Happy rain, everyone!

Things to look at!

I've got to recommend the Netflix original series Orange is the New Black
Jaeger Designer - I don't even care, this was a fun ten minutes of my life
Dating Tips for the Feminist Man - a good read for everyone, regardless of gender or sexuality
Canadian Frame(lines) is raising money for yet another project of super-ambition!
VIFF is in town! The most wonderful time of the year, second only to Christmas!
And while at VIFF, I saw Jessica Oreck's new documentary Aatsinki - she's a very cool lady who does very cool projects (like this one) - there is also a super interactive website they've done up called The Aatsinki Season
Be sure to check out Plastic, a short film by Sandy Widyanata about body image

Pie in the Sky July

"By the time it came to the edge of the Forest the stream had grown up, so that it was almost a river, and, being grown-up, it did not run and jump and sparkle along as it used to do when it was younger, but moved more slowly. For it knew now where it was going, and said to itself, 'There is no hurry. We shall get there someday.'"

I had an nice post going describing how June was going, but alas. It never made it out before June was done speeding past. And now July's a good chunk through. By September I'll be wondering where the hell my summer's gone.

Old news to some but, after some fighting and some deliberating, turns out, instead of making a graduate film this year, I'm going to be making an independent short. Which sounds a thousand times more terrifying, but infinitely more challenging and exciting. This project I'm shooting this August no longer bears that 'film student' pallor. It's super 16, it's indie, it's in Canmore, and it's mine.

The past couple months were a little strange with things just dribbling by, not much to do. I'm now two weeks into my new job - in Banff! - and things are finally picking up. I've got a lot of video projects with work to power through, meeting and working with tons and tons of new people. It's especially nice to be working in an environment with students and employees of all ages. It's really getting me back into the practice of actually talking to people about something other than film or school.

And in terms of my film next month; crew is coming together, gear is being booked, drafts are being assembled into something that is hopefully intriguing. With my next draft, visuals will start crashing together and I can really get the sights and sounds of this film together in my brain. My only disappointment this far is the lack of commitment I have seen out of peers from Vancouver. But thankfully, some old friends from Alberta are coming to my rescue!

For a few weeks there, I was feeling rather doubtful about my short film - the largest question of all being "Why should I even make this film?" - since I have spent a great deal proving to myself that this film means a lot to me in story, in experience, and in end product. After two months of being well set up to be on track, I suddenly felt that nothing was going to get done. This was also during my time where I didn't have too much to do in the summer. Because given infinite time to think about anything, it seems very easy to find doubt in everything. Those stress fractures sooner or later become voids - and their increasing number makes it difficult to avoid them all. The minute you look up at that horizon, it's inevitable that you're going to end up stepping in something negative. There's a lot of things I've got to keep balanced for this project, and I think the most important thing is the head on my shoulders. It's going to be a ton of work, and I've got a ton of work to do between now and then. But it's happening, and it's going to get done. And it's going to be great.

Over the past month or so, I have been considering what my ideal path would be post post-secondary. It seems to change each year with some trepidation, but the more I talk about this new plan, the more I think it is the wisest and most constructive idea yet. I'm considering moving back to Alberta - either to Calgary or to Edmonton - to engage in a different kind of provincial film business. There are many reasons why this, to me, would be the best place to be - but I think a move from Vancouver will be healthy. Thinking about it, there isn't much keeping me there - when I think of what I would leave behind, it would be very little. A few friends, a year-round gardening season, and an aquarium. No connections robust enough to lead to creative collaboration in the long term, no leads to jobs in my field. I guess my cure-all for this is just pick up and move to somewhere that is generally friendlier, less costly, and somewhere where I could separate myself from my University stint, start fresh - and jump into my career.

Even being out of Vancouver for a couple weeks has me in a weird zen state. It's quiet here. I can see the stars. I can walk everywhere. A lot more people walk around with smiles here. It's got a groove I understand.

I hope to someday refer to my years in Calgary as my 'gathering street cred years' - an experience/connection platform that will vault me back to Vancouver, maybe to Toronto, or fling me farther out. 

Something I've been ruminating on lately is the surprising polarity between people who are generally accepting in their lives, and those who are not. This, perhaps, in light of me trying to get out there and date a bit (which has been an extra smooth combination of awful and hilarious), and having interesting conversation with peers on the topic of relationships. Relationships are weird. That's pretty much all I've discerned about life from this whole experience.

A book I've been reading lately has gotten me thinking about the base 'goodness' of a human being. Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. It is a lengthy book encompassing the strange, passionate lives of a modern family who set out to be good - but by their own blindness, ignorance, shame, or greed, they find it is difficult to change, difficult to surpass the past. I don't often read fiction like this because I've never really understood it. But I think after this year in particular, I am starting to understand the nature of 'The Mistake' (whatever that means) and it's life-long effect on every person I will ever meet. New fiction gives me all sorts of things to mull around in my brain, this one perhaps a little more melancholic, but a good learn (and an interesting read) nonetheless.

I've got two very important mantras for this year coming up. I believe this final year of school will prove to be more emotionally than academically challenging, now that the game has changed.

1. Burn no bridges. (Even if you dislike those bridges - even if those bridges have no respect for you)

2. Be honest. Be kind.

It's going to be important to keep an even keel as things happen around me this fall. Essentially "keep your eye on the ball" has never been a more important sports philosophy for life in general.

Happy summer, all!

Things to look at:

Congratulations to all you SFU kids who made it into the Montreal Film Festival's student competition!

If there's one thing I enjoy in this world it's production photos - Edgar Wright has been featuring Shaun of the Dead ones recently and it is super great

This from BriTANick

Nautilus - a lovely little online publication exploring science, philosophy, and culture

That end of semester stretch.

End of semesters are always tough. This year's got me in a nice time-bind, with two major creative project deadlines and a final exam in under 24 hours. The exams and papers are a little easier to make happen, but the creative endeavours are a little harder to work through on a fierce time frame. It doesn't do nice things to my brain. Alas. The semester's nearly done.

Vancouver's been treating us to some supreme-stellar weather these past two weeks, and my only regret is having to sit in front of a computer pretty much all the way until the 18th of April. Plans for the summer and the shoot in August are forming up slowly - pulling resources together, pulling a script together. I'm so excited to be shooting on the Arri SR-3, on a medley of stocks from Kodak and Fuji. I'll be picking up my Kodak stocks this week and starting to book gear at the same time. It feels like a lot to bring together in the next month or so, but with each step forward, I feel a little more sure that I will be successful in this endeavour. 

The garden sits outside and taunts me, most days. Still overgrown with last year's remnants, come April it'll all be dug up, soil supplemented, seeds started. I can't wait to get out into the sun and get a little work done with my hands.

This summer will yield very few surprises, it's straight shooting until August. I've got to do a great deal of saving/budgeting to make it through til post with my grad film (I can't wait until it has a title, so I can stop calling it 'my grad film'). I'm hoping to get a lot of reading done - I've got a stack of books on filmmaking, directing, cinematography and photography to work through. 

I'm really getting a kick out of an anthology of short stories I picked up at the library last semester. I read a quote by Truman Capote on writing posted somewhere on Tumblr and decided to try reading through some of his work. I have become completely enthralled by his writing style - very visceral - he describes things in such a way that you can, for an instant, feel them. One passage from House of Flowers, "Ottilie was used to boldly smiling at men; but now her smile was fragmentary, it clung to her lips like cake crumbs." It's absolutely fantastic. The stories range from the 1940s to the 1980s and are an absolute pleasure to read. I'm hoping to pick up some of his novels this summer. For those who appreciate an author who weaves their poetry in such a wonderful way so as you want to read them aloud, I recommend Capote.

I'm finally getting out to take some 35mm stills tonight. Lucky one of my classes gives me an excuse. I haven't had a chance to take my new Nikon FA out for a spin this year. It should garner some supreme results. I'm taking some 400 speed black and white out at sunset to see what I can capture.

I had fun rough draft-procrastinating by doing up my titles with ink and brush, scanning them, then putting them through colourizing and prism filters for a unique credit sequence I'm pretty excited for.

With the screening of A Spoonful of Sugar and the preproduction of my grad film commencing, it seems there's very little room in my brain for much else. Which I definitely don't mind.

Happy Easter everyone! Enjoy the sunshine, and happy editfest 2013.




Things to check out!

Our screening! Don't forget! SFU Woodwards on April 18th
I started a film work-specific Twitter account
Colonel Chris Hadfield's Tumblr 
A film hasn't punched me in the heart for a while, but this one did

There's always peas in my pockets, these days.

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” - E.B. White

 Well, not to brag or anything, but I'm super proud of my little garden. My yard's still pretty hideous, but I put in flowering perennials when I can. I recently put in some lupins, lavender and some various other large-ish flowering perennials.


I'm picking peas by the handful every couple days. Heads of lettuce every week or two. Tons of radishes. My pumpkin plant is just... insane. Gardening has become my weekly rage dump, a place where my brain sort of empties and I get a little zen. Although gardening affords it's own stresses, there are typically practical solutions to any problems I may encounter - whether they be pest, harvesting or upkeep problems. Let's just say gardening is very straight forward, and it's a skill I actually really value having. Plants? Infinitely more simple than people and all of their feeeeeelings.

I've gotten into the habit of looking up birds in the Sibley guide when I see them. My problem, however, seems to be that I have so little skill in identifying birds, I end up sifting through the entire book like three times before I maybe find what a bird might be. Maybe. While I was camping with work (yeah, you heard right), there were these finches that hung around quite a bit. I'm sure they were something quite run of the mill, but for the life of me, I can't identify them. Not even with the book. And the internet. Yeesh.

Today's harvest

My videography gig is keeping my schedule fairly dense. The great thing about being so damned busy - and I think I've even mentioned this before - is the lack of time to sit and stew. I've got time to think - between bus trips, mindlessly cutting together  montages of 10 year olds ransacking Vancouver, picking snap peas - but it's like a higher grade of thinking. Business and general exhaustion just kind of skim off those curdling thoughts that sort of stab at me when I least expect it. Those thoughts of the larger, disturbingly angst-ridden variety. No body wants those.

I've picked up a second summer mantra. So, now there is a little purple bear sitting on my hippocampus wearing a party hat who is chanting 'Meet new people, meet new people'. He's seated next to the little gargling giraffe who shrieks, 'Use your words!'. I'm sure that will be an interesting party once the 'Why put off til tomorrow...' toad gets there with the chips and dip.

My parents came to visit last weekend - this lovely stack of books from Café Books came into my possession. I haven't bought a fiction book for myself in a while. I've either been reading them on my Kindle or getting them from the library. This stack is special because of the influence John Green (and his brother Hank) have had on me. The two of them run a little YouTube channel called Vlogbrothers (among others). John Green can have my money. Why? Because of his philosophy. The Green brothers advocate knowledge, intelligence, community, creativity and positive influence. They're tremendously entertaining, respectful to their fanbase, and really seem just like all-around nice guys. So yes, John Green can have my money. And I'm really stoked to get started on this stack of stories.

On a more serious note, This quote from Christopher Nolan in a statement he issued to the public  (source) sums up a chunk of my feelings about the July 20th shooting in Aurora, Colorado, "The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me." On top of the fact that this is a massively unnecessary tragedy - for me the cinema is a safe haven, a place of expression, a social outlet, a place to escape. And even though your average Cineplex is considered by most people to be a sticky-floored, over-priced social outing - and even though this tragedy took place far away from me, it hits strangely close to home. And it has rehashed the age-old debate on the right to bear arms. I found Roger Ebert's post on this completely agreeable and logical. I really don't like how one vicious idiot can have such a broad, negative effect on so many people. This week I'm glad I can't afford cable, because I'm guessing the media's taken this and spun it all sorts of ways. It's difficult to see these kinds of things happen, a needless, impulsive action that ends lives, ruins families, and ultimately ends up restricting society through a fear of another incident, and fruitless prevention measures.

ANYWAYS. I hope everyone's July has been great, and is gearing up for August! I'm back in Canmore in a month, sooo... if anyone's out that way, we should have a pint or a coffee sometime. Yiss.

Things to check out!

Remember to keep up with Canadian Frame(lines) !

Mode Moderne - a pretty swell Vancouver-based band.
Who Needs Feminism?

Articulation.

Apologies, another 'these are my feelings' post. I'm very antsy and stressed, I've got to get it out somehow.

After this long haul of two semesters draws to an uncomfortably hasty close, I'm disappointed, exhausted and anxiety ridden. As much as I am ready for this hell-child to be delivered, there's still tons of work to do on our short film for this semester. Trying to tie up the lose ends while job hunting like a fiend, prepping end of semester assignments, battling colds (seemingly all the time?) and getting some shut eye every so often has been difficult. But we're screening May 1st, 2012. So save the date. Save it good. If you love seeing blood, sweat and tears shot on super 16mm film, this screening sure as hell is for you.

I've got a couple sewing projects in tow, just paper plans at the moment. But in the mean time check out this totally normal looking, sort of kitch felt pear I made! To tell you the truth, this pear did have a goofy face. But due to the unlikelihood of people enjoying pears with weird faces as much as myself, I removed it. I mean, I enjoy creating monsters so much more, but I think there is more of a 'market' for classier felties with less of my own brand of psychotic flair.

I am now one of those idiots with one of everything on the internet. Mubi, GoodReads, Pinterest. No wonder I find myself wasting so much time doing things that don't really amount to anything.

The library continues to be a dear friend, I'm now waist deep in Herzog on Herzog by Paul Cronin and it's just absolutely fantastic. Herzog's attitude about, not only filmmaking, but life in general is an absolute gem. I'm really quite enjoying these filmmaker and cinematographer interviews. Although they provide no technical know-how, they instill a certain set of personal values - a sort of code of living, communicating and creating with one's self and others. I find the interviews absolutely enthralling. I've got Scorsese, Leigh, Wilder, Wenders and Tarkovsky lined up for April.

I've spent a lot of time worrying about what other people think of me lately. All this has been so distracting, I could be putting my brain power to something useful! Something that doesn't cause a self-consciousness collapse mid-conversation with an acquaintance. I can identify these short comings with insane accuracy, but it's as if my brain decides that no, it doesn't want to fix it's problems, and I continue in a particularly misconstrued fashion and no progress is made. My brain and I have what I like to call a 'working relationship'.

I am experiencing a feeling of unease these past few days. Past the end of semester stresses, past the always-present anxious sort of nervousness I experience on a daily basis. But I think I just pushed the unease and found this strange, exhilarating space in my consciousness. After dunking myself in a vat of responsibility and new experiences this past weekend on a certain short film, I think I tore open a small corner of the giant tarp suffocating my brain with fear and doubt and all of those wonderful feelings. I deserve a little corner of satisfaction, and I think to remain in a cold, dark corner only to maintain a sense of security is an excuse that I should not be making. The world is a very, very large place. There's room to wander, to change direction, to broaden one's horizons.

So there it is. Onwards, if not upwards.

Anyways, some things you should look at:

Cinnamon Bun. A legitimate song my roommate and I wrote while procrastinating one evening.

The Virtual Stage - a Vancouver based organization combining theater with new media, be sure to check out the Cruel and Unusual short film updates!

The Hobbit Production Blogs - they make my day, every day

Les Blank's documentary Werner Herzog Eats his Shoe, in lieu of Errol Morris' success.

March. March. March.

 Ooh, and it's March already. I've got a pile of things on the ol' "TO DO" list this month - most of that pile are things I'd like to get over with sooner rather than later.

Asides from discovering a voracious affinity for avocado spread on toast (so heavenly - go try it), not a whole lot is new. I'm currently searching high and low for a shiny new job to acquaint myself with. I'm convinced that a new job is my answer to everything. Money woes, boredom woes, getting out and meeting new people woes, all of those woes that haven't let up since sometime mid-2011. I'd really like to get back into the business of books. Bookstores are the most zen place in the world for me, and I would like nothing better than to just be immersed in those paperback labyrinths - dealing with other humans who also enjoy finding those literary gems in the stacks. Girl's gotta dream.

I made peace with the university library recently, and now I have a gigantic stack of film books I'm chugging through. I'm really getting a kick out of these interview-type books on filmmaking. I finished Principal Photography the other day, which is a series of interviews with fifteen cinematographers. It's fascinating the methods of the greats - many things are so similar, yet stylistically and biographically, there are these wonderful differences that are responsible for the immense spread of cinematography methods we see in film today. Two interviews that I found particularly enlightening were those of Gordon Willis (The Godfather, Manhattan) and Allen Daviau (E.T, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun). The interviews contained some technical jargon, but a lot of what they had to say was concerned with how people work on set together, the responsibilities of their post before, during and after production, and some good mantras to remember as a student (and I'm sure, as a professional as well). It also had a great interview with Garret Brown, who developed the Steadicam, "...the moving camera lets you break into the medium itself- the screen stops being a wall and becomes a space you can play in." Next on my list are a large stack of 'director on director' books, more interview-type things. I'm looking forward to exploring some Tarkovsky films in the near future, so I can read his books. I was also just lent two 35mm still photography books (and cameras!) from my friend, Aerlan - which I am pretty jazzed to get my paws on.

I started sewing again yesterday, having freshly cleaned and organized my perpetually filthy desk. Here's a sneak peak of a purple beast I'm about half done. I have a feeling his jowls are subconsciously inspired by dear old Jake from one of my all time favorite cartoons, Adventure Time. Which is a show I think everyone should watch. Everyone. Ever.

I'm finding with my feltie designs in the past two years, although the faces are changing - becoming more complex and expressive - the body shapes are not. In fact, many are just the same base shape. I think once I finish this purple fella, I'm going to try and branch out shape-wise and see what can happen. I'm looking forward to, what I hope is, a long trend of super-felt beasties!

Not too much else to say today! Just make sure you all have MAY 2nd booked on your calendar for the Simon Fraser University 2nd year film screenings! It'll be an evening comprised of a mixed-bag of adventure and super 16mm! Who could ask for more?! I sure couldn't. I would also highly recommend checking out the SFU 3rd year screenings on April 12th AND the SFU Grad screenings on May 3rd, 4th and 5th. All of these are being shown at the Djavad Mowafaghian Cinema at SFU Woodwards!

Things to look at!

     Cool kiddie crafts over at Kids Craft!

     Check out 2011's National Geographic Photo Contest!

     Watch a jewel wasp zombify a cockroach! Science!

     Plus, I was super thrilled to find this documentary on YouTube. After reading a book about all of George Roy Hill's films, I got relatively stoked about finding out how Hill works. This 1970 documentary on the making of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is so superb. I love it. So much. Watch it. As soon as humanly possible.

     People of a Feather

I saw People of a Feather this past year at VIFF and was impressed by the fact that it was an environmental film that did not preach that the sky was falling. It was able to explain, in simple terms, one specific problem that was causing deaths in the Eider ducks in Canada. What was even better is it's ability to introduce ideas to solve this problem, all while giving a unique historical comparison to the natives of that area, hundreds of years ago to the present.

Please check it out if you have the opportunity! It won best Environmental film at VIFF and was made by three SFU graduate students, two of which stemmed from the film production program.

VANCOUVER DATES:
March 2nd-5th, Vancity Theater
March 6th-9th, Denman Cinema
March 10th-13th, RIO Theater * Cancelled due to BCLC restrictions

     And, thanks to my roommate, I have spent an unreasonable amount of time watching these two brothers be adorable, intelligent and awesome back and forth over YouTube. EXAMPLE:

     Community is back NEXT WEEK.

I hope everyone is having a peachy start to the month. It's going to fly by, I am sure of it.

     If you're not too tired hearing about this Kony business... READ ON.

And here's the time of year...

...when I am thrown back into the pile of accomplishments, thoughts and shames that have hailed me this twentieth year of my life. It becomes more and more of a process, each year that passes, to take what I have experienced and knock it down into 'have' and 'have nots'.

And it's become increasingly important to me how those 'have' and 'have nots' affect not only myself, but my family and those closest to me. There are many places where my mind is and should not be, and vise-versa. There are many things I cannot do, and as I progress in years - that childhood paradigm of 'anything is possible' rapidly dissolves.

Notice: here's a nostalgia studded, 'sigh I am getting old post'. Just putting that business out there. Apologies, this blog's become rather emotional. Hoping it'll get back to the same old when... well, I don't really know when.

Another notice: I share a birthday with Alan Rickman. Yes.

Twenty twelve.

Olá ladies and gentlemen! I hope everyone had started off their brand new year with reasonable frabjousness and you've got exciting things ahead. School's started again, and I feel the unmistakable burn of acute disinterest, it'll pass one of these days.

I did some crafts for family and friends this Christmas. I made up some wee cards, which I had tons of fun cutting those tiny snowflakes that you fold and then unfold. They didn't end up really looking like snowflakes at all, you win some and you lose some. I was also lame this Christmas and had to give my Gran and my parents the old 'book of coupons', whose orders are never filled. Ever. I promised both my Gran and my mother a pair of handknitted socks. I have tried knitting socks twice. Both times have almost ended in me trying to gouge my eyes out with knitting needles. It was the easy way out of a no-money Christmas gift. The guilt. Oh the guilt.

I also made my Gran a tiny tree ornament and I made my roomie a shark feltie, with an important message embroidered on it. I got some great functional things for Christmas, including an electric blanket (also known as my new best friend), a nice windbreaker and a power drill. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now a twenty-something woman who owns her own damn power tools. Also, steak knives.

The holidays gave me time to mull some things over that required a bit of mulling. I spent a lovely week in Canmore with my parents and aunt, visiting my grandparents' farm on boxing day. After a lacklustre new years eve spent waiting for each member of my family to drop off to sleep before the ball dropped, we packed our bags and caught an early flight to Mexico that new years day.

Asides from a bout of food poisoning, which still is following me around and reminding me of it's presence at inopportune moments, the holidays were great. Time spent with people who enjoy listening to things I have to say and remain supportive of me in my old age. It's always nice to go back home for a stint, takes me away from my own life and puts me right in with another. I did quite a bit of reading - having told myself I couldn't read anything except for textbooks and film writings last semester, I reveled in some good ole science fiction paperbacks. I enjoyed both Hyperion by Dan Simmons and Ringworld by Larry Niven. I also finished, at long last, Film Lighting by Malkiewicz - which was an absolutely fantastic read. A combination of technical references and interviews with professionals. I cracked open Walden, only to have to close it and declare it one of those books I'll save for a 'rainy day', which in all likelihood means I wont pick it up for another three or four years. I'm also in the middle of Professional Film Lighting by Carlson and Carlson - which is a dated book, being about as old as I am, but I'm using it as an intermediate for when I crack open the Set Lighting Technician's Handbook by Box. I also got a fancy subscription to American Cinematographer for Christmas with a load of backissues to delve into. I haven't had a magazine subscription since middle school, and AC is a fantastic read. So I am rather pleased.

Having dropped my economics course for this semester, thank goodness, my class schedule has thinned out considerably. This is quite nice, as it gives me plenty of time to be on sets (I've already spent over 40 hours on set in the past week) and actively seeking a new job. My first screenwriting class last week culminated in a half page of notes and personified bacon, toast and eggs smiling and holding hands. It was a productive day. Needless to say, being back in school hurts a little this semester. It's so blase. This is the tail end of my fourth year in University. It feels sort of like forever. Which is unpleasant.

It's been curious, these past five months or so, I've gone through some strange internal things that have culminated in, what I can only describe as, a bit of a reinvention via insane amounts of stress, worry and doubt. Becoming agonizingly aware of how I function around other people has forced me to recon with the image that I put out to other people and the little slice of non-reputation I seem to have with my peers. It's been curious, but rather enlightening. I've experienced these things very much in stages, first realizing that I never had anything to say because, in my mind, other people's word come before my own. Then I just sort of started ignoring everyone. Now I'm onto the stage of, yes I have things to say, but I am just going to sit here and listen to what you have to say instead of telling you what I think. It's a process, ladies and gentlemen. It's hard to contest with people who can so easily hold their intelligence over your head, and it's hard to see through that jack-assery to the fact that you can, indeed, be intelligent but not arrogant.

Anyways, lots of living and learning going on, as per usual. I haven't been feeling too great this week, so I haven't gotten a whole lot done between that and being on set. But I hope I can level out next week and get some things done. I turn 21 in just over a month, and although I don't think I've changed too much in the past year, I seem to have learned a lot. I'm seeking a bit of shuffling around in my routine, so I'm hoping I can land a new job in the next month or so and get on with things. It feels like I've been stubbornly sitting in a puddle for the past little while. It's nice to realize what I want, and it's nice to know that maybe I'm getting to the point where I feel empowered enough to go out and get it. Again, it's a process.

For Freak Steaks is back up and running - cinematography stuff and junk. Vunderbaar!
I've also gotten a Mubi account, if any of you are into that.

October's coming.

Well, September's almost over already. I'm at a loss as to where it's gone, but it's been greatly occupied by the good sort of busy that I'll look forward to continuing in the next three months. Being immersed in this film student mentality once again has gotten me back on my feet, and I'm now able to reflect on the past year of my life with a strange sort of... omniscience. It's like I dropped this breadcrumb trail of myself and can now trace it back and pick up bits that need to be kept, and leave other bits to be carried away by ravens and the like.

I guess this is what aging feels like.

Second year of this film program has proven to move forward at warp 9, which isn't entirely what I expected - seeing as how I've spent the past 6 months under the impression we shoot our second year films sometime following January 1st, but we do, in fact, shoot this November. In five weeks. So, that's caused a bit of a discombobulatory panic that I haven't much liked. However, since that elusive piece of knowledge was dropped on us, things have sort of gotten up to speed and now we're on our way. The most intense two hour brainstorm occurred on Tuesday at the Acme Cafe over delicious delicious pie, where my group's idea sort of rose from the ashes of a number of less fortunate ideas and came into play as what we would be spending the next seven months bringing to the silver screen in the form of a ten-minute short film. It's going to be a rather epic adventure, I think.

On this second year shoot, I've stepped up to the plate as the director of photography. I've sort of taken this up as some sort of combination quest/challenge that's going to make me wise up in the more technical aspects of filmmaking - the aspect I enjoy most, but know the least about. The more sets I work on outside of school, the more I see myself getting pigeon-holed into these paper pushing jobs I typically see women doing on a set. I don't want to end up paper-pushing on a set - it's important to know how and have excellent people who do that around - but it doesn't appeal to me and I don't particularly enjoy it. The obstacle here, for me, is getting out there and not allowing myself to fall behind, to know how to communicate what I want on a set and to have the chutzpah to go out and be a valuable asset on sets.

I've been doing a lot of reading - thankfully I've been blessed with a semester that doesn't make reading a wretched and horrible thing and I've been able to read a lot of things at my own leisure. I finished reading The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald and In the Blink of an Eye by Walter Murch last night, and have started in on a book for school, Believing is Seeing Mary Ann Staniszewski and Audio - Visual by Michel Chion today. I'm going to try and get as many film books under my belt in the next four weeks as possible. A broader perspective, nuggets of wisdom and general knowledge are all things I will need to the nth degree come to our shoot in November.

I've been steadily working through my ever-growing 'films to watch' list. Magnolia, Midnight in Paris, Bridesmaids, Rear Window, Vera Drake, Thor, The Shining, Road to Perdition and My Own Private Idaho are some I've crossed off my list this past week or so. The film journal I started a month or two back has proven valuable on a number of levels - familiarizing myself with all sorts of names, trends in director's/cinematographer's works, pointing out things that evoke particular emotion, amazing instances of photography - I tend to remember things much better if I write them down.

However, reflecting upon films I've seen since August in a little black book have lead me to this unnecessary, but incredibly nagging feeling that I must now watch every movie I've seen prior to August 2011 again so I can reevaluate it. It's terribly redundant and there is no way in hell I'm sitting through Transformers 2 again just to say it caused me to have explosive naps. But whatever.

Anyways, I pulled two entire heads of lettuce out of my garden today - I'm at a loss as to what kind of lettuces they were, as I put down a number of varieties that came in variety packs themselves, but both were rather wonderful in a salad. It was surprisingly filling. I'm unsure if it was the variety or the fact that these grew without aid of growth hormones and have had two months to become gorgeous, full heads of lettuce instead of the meek stuff you buy at the super market.

A wicked wind rolled through Vancouver last night and blew  over my Brandywine tomatoes. I spent a good hour staking them back up with anything I could find. They've gotten stupidly heavy with tomatoes the size of my fist and I'm not entirely sure how they'll hold up if we get another windy day, but we'll see how it goes. I weeded the second garden bed today and am drawing up a bit of a space saving regime to plant that will come up over winter and in the spring - a variety of hardy lettuces, carrots, radishes, beets and garlic.

Digging in the rain drenched soil today, I rediscovered the curious world that I knew as a child that exists around the roots of plants and around the edges of the garden bed. Earthworms and red worms were plentiful, I must've come upon a dozen just weeding out dandelions. When I'm out there, dirt up to my elbows, flip flops and sweatpants (so many reasons there why I get all the guys, but that's an issue for later), I relax completely - not a lot bothers me. I brush elbows with mama wolf spiders, roll sowbugs around in the palm of my hand - I realize that these are things I should not fear. And I think, a hiatus from the outdoors and a super-city mentality allows these insecurities and itty bitty fears to come creeping back.

Because I'm obsessive-compulsive about the animals I keep as pets, I'm so very glad to say that my dear old catfish, Leonard, turned two last week and my other catfish, Samson, is turning two next week. May they have many years of lazing around, being catfish before them!

Well, after this million-word-count blog post, I should probably go to sleep or something. I've got a week of hellish stress on a budget of zero dollars ahead of me. I'm sure I'll enjoy it. Hope everyone has had a nice start to their autumn and here's to starting October on the right foot.

Things we can both be excited about:

VIFF - oh you sweet, sweet film festival

Drive - read this review by FilmDrunk

This guy's youtube channel - this video in particular

Aerlan has a blog - you will go to there!

Tripping all over Western Canada.

The summer's pretty much over, but it's making room for delightful fall adventures - where I get to learn things! I cut all my hair off and bought a pair of shoes that aren't sneakers. I'm a grown up! Or something.

I've been traveling a bit. And by traveling, I mean going to see relatives. I don't get out much. First, I ferried over to the island via a long, hellish bus ride with camera equipment and, as usual, too many books. There I spent some time with my Gran and we went on some adventures. It's a tradition we go to Cumberland and pick up some delicious doughnuts at the local bakery. We went to Seal Bay, saw some seals - or rather, we heard them first, as they kept snorting at each other. We also went "plodging" at this great beach that, when the tide is out, there's this vast expanse of sand with shallow pools of saltwater flowing between eachother. Plodging is when you hike up your pants and plodge through these puddles. I think it's an English thing. My Gran is quite English. We pulled over to this road side cafe nestled in the trees called Becky's. They don't really have a menu. Just tell them what you want and they'll see if they can make it for you. What's better is that the owner is a gentleman with an artificial leg who has an affinity for karaoke. Oh, also the Nanaimo bars are the tallest I have ever seen. We spent a lunch at the Wandering Moose Cafe, who've got great soup and sandwiches and tea and things. For a fancy farewell dinner, we went into town to Atlas, where we shared a goat cheese tart and I had a burger that had regular burger fixings, plus pear and brie.

To Calgary! My mom took me to the zoo and we chatted while we perused the caged mammals. I was disappointed to see that the nocturnal portion had been closed down. The reptile and amphibian section was whittled down to some dwarf caimans and a tortoise, I think. I also obtained a pair of maroon pants that make me look like a 70's pimp. I dig it.

Canmore was hot and gorgeous, I spent some time just basking and reading. My dad took me to the Quarry before whisking me off to my Grandparent's farm for a couple nights. I reburned my sun burn. When I got to the farm I got mosquito bites ontop of my twice burned burn. There are few things as painfully itchy, methinks. We took the dogs out to the pond and hunted in the tall grass for (velociraptors) wood frogs and dragonflies and fancy-pants spiders. I found a friend down at the lake, a dragonfly was struggling in the water and I scooped him out. He hung out on my shirt sleeve for a good half hour before he deemed himself dry enough to fly away. I named him Horatio. It was nice to be up there for a bit. I don't think I've been that way since 2009. Seeing my grandparents and my uncle was great too.

Spent some time at the Paw with a group of friends. I would have liked another night with them all. I miss them quite a bit, especially since John left us. Time didn't permit much between everyone's schedule's though. Canmore lost another super guy last Wednesday quite suddenly. I'm sending all of my love out that way still, especially to his wife and all of his friends. It was such sad news to hear.

Spending time with my parents was pretty fly. Cracking vulgar jokes while drinking and roasting marshmallows, staying up to watch a movie only to have everyone just sort of fall asleep around me, pitchers of sangria for an anniversary dinner. It was pretty super. We all took a hike up to Grassi Lakes with my sister, aunt and rolly-polly dog. I walked into a lake and felt the coldest water on my legs since the East coast. I flew back to Vancouver the next day.

Here's a collection of the least dumb shots I took while I was away. I'm always disappointed that I don't have more/better footage. Le sigh. Try to enjoy none-the-less.

I came back to see that my garden had transformed into a tiny plot of jungle. The tomato plants were vast, when I was under the impression they wouldn't make it. One's even got some tomatoes already started. All of them have flowers. The radishes are MAD. I've got some good start on lettuces, flowers on the melon plant, more blossoms on the pumpkin plant. I've also now got another plot out back, which I might fill with root veggies - carrots and beets and more radishes, most probably.

A book you need to read? The Shadow of the Wind by one Carlos Ruiz Záfon. One of the most intriguing and richly written pieces I've read in a couple years. Now, this could mean I just haven't been reading much fiction. And I suppose I haven't. But I did really enjoy this novel. I went and bought his other book The Angel's Game last week. I can only hope it'll be a fraction as good as his first.

A film you need to watch? Rango! It's been said more than once that I have a child's taste in films, but I really did enjoy it. It was probably 20 minutes too long, but I really enjoyed the character design and the wondrous textures and references and all around awesomeness. I can really appreciate a film that pays just as much attention to it's secondary and background characters as it's protagonist. Also, there are very few human beings in the film. I also like that very much.

Now for some angst! There's been a funny, deep seated doubt I've seemed to have grown over the summer. After scraping all of that horrible sadness and lack of worth off my skin, I've seem to uncover something just festering away in a less accessible place, say a kidney or a spleen. I can't seem to shake it quite so easy. Hopefully some film work will drive it away. I don't like the feeling much. A future that once seemed boundless is now this slightly-too-small box that I'm destined to sit in with my knees under my chin and my ear pressed up against the top. I shudder at the prospect.

Here's my most recent Kingfisher Says post. Pretty much talking about what I just talked about in this post. But you get to see my weird face and hear all of my poorly chosen phrases and hums and haws! Yay! (Note: by far, the most convincing thumbnail to date proclaiming my sanity)

Haw-gust.

  Oh hi there. Well, I'm pretty excited we're well into August and I'm still on my feet. My semester officially ends, with a bit of a fizzle, on Wednesday. But I'm not worrying too-too much about that. Thursday we're having a bit of a fancy-pants shin dig to shake off the chills of this past semester and Friday I travel, and continue traveling through until the 28th of August. I think the next three weeks are going to be a supreme time to clear my head, shake things up a bit, tie up some lose ends and just start off the fall semester with a running leap. I've got a sweet fall lined up, with three film production classes, a studio art class and a math course by distance. I'm far beyond excited to see all of my film chums again, the summer just hasn't been the same without seeing them all in one place a few times a week, not to mention working on wondrous projects with them. I'm excited to, once again, become immersed in an atmosphere of every kind of creativity, of knowledge and experience and wonderful things. It's going to be a riot.

  With the rainy weather gone, the gardening has taken off a little bit. We've got strawberries and peas that have been picked a time or two and have a number of other things well on the way. The four Brandywine tomato plants I started late from seed are just rocking it out in the raised beds. I didn't have much hope for them at first, but they've got glorious green foliage and are shooting skywards! On my two store-bought cherry tomato plants, we've got some wee green tomatoes just starting to come round. The pumpkin keeps coming back from the dead, it seems. Poor thing. But the blossoms keep coming, but no pumpkins starting quite yet.

Asides from a damn cat in the neighborhood feeling that he must use my garden as his litter box at every opportunity, I think things are going relatively well. I sowed a number of seeds directly into the garden a week or two ago. We've got radishes, violas, kale and a variety of lettuces coming up already. I'm really enjoying having the raised bed. Planters are fine and all, but it really doesn't compare to having a plot of earth you can call your own. I've packed a lot in there, and hopefully by September, it'll be chalk full of great things. Four Brandywine tomato  plants, a yellow pepper plant, a red pepper plant, a mini pepper plant I started from seed, and rows of violas, kale, mescluns, lettuce, romaine, radishes and butterfly flower mix. I'm not sure what will win out on space, but I just can't wait until it's a full, lovely garden.

The bordering gardens were planted up by the ladies downstairs and they are just marvelous. She came out of one patch with an armful of squash this afternoon and has a most exuberant potato patch. I'm a little jealous.

Last night I finished the last of the Harry Potter books for the second time. Reading all the books through once again has, I think, brought out my real love for certain ones. Before this time through, I had always had an affinity for the fourth book in particular. But I found myself absolutely loving Prisoner of Azkaban, Order of the Phoenix and even Half Blood Prince! The Deathly Hallows, on my second (much more conscious) reading through, was much better than I remembered it. I had picked it up at midnight the day it came out and promptly stayed up all the next day reading it cover to cover. I didn't remember much of it. So this second time through was really, really nice. I could make some sense out of the last film and I could sort of see where they were coming from with some of their decisions, I suppose. I think I'm going to go see The Deathly Hallows Part 2 a second time with my mom and aunt when I visit home in a couple of weeks. A revisit after reading the book and after some deliberation will make up my mind for certain, I think, whether or not I like the last installment of the Harry Potter films.

I have started a film journal, at long last. It's more an exercise for me to remember what I've seen, my opinion on what I've seen and names. The best I've been able to do in film class so far in a name-drop heavy environment is just sort of... smile and nod, perhaps googling names under the table on my phone. I always try to record the same set of details for each film: title, year, country, director, cinematographer, actors I know and actors I do not. I then will go on, in point form, highlighting interests or conflicts or shots I liked. Usually at the end I'll give a general interpretation of the entire thing and a star-rating, which I really have no system for. Perhaps if I find another aspect of the film mind blowing, i.e. editing or costumes or somesuch, I'd write down that too. I've been trying to get through a few films a week or more and have finally taken in film such as Forrest Gump and Breakfast at Tiffany's, and discovered some likes and dislikes amongst The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Jailhouse Rock, The Big Red One and Wanted.

I haven't had bok choi in years, but have recently rehashed my love for it. The first time I (tried to) stir fry it in a bit of oil and garlic, and that turned out a little gross and slightly singed. Then I discovered a little trick in wake of my every-so-often bacon bender I seem to go on. Bok choi is lovely when stir fried in a bit of bacon grease. I just cut the bok choi in two and fried them just like that. They came out of the pan slightly crunchy and lovely. You end up with this amazing vegetable that smells and tastes every-so-slightly like sweetened peanut butter. It's rather bizarre, but I greatly enjoy it. Plus, bacon + bok choi = a solid Sunday night meal. I am not going to lie.

Anyways. I really do feel this irritating, rage dump of a summer melting away. I think some time on vacation will really remedy this brain-in-a-box feeling I've been enduring for a number of months. The start of a fresh semester with lovely old faces and wonderful new faces will, no doubt, help as well. Anyways, I'm going to go stand in front of a bookshelf for a half hour and contemplate what I am going to read next. I have a brain ache that keeps punching me in the face.

I'll leave you with my most recent video blog... see more over at Kingfisher Says.

August 5th, 2011 from Laurel K Brown on Vimeo.

Nighty night.