Tail End of April

A wordy, picture-less post, this post-midnight mind-purge. With lots of hyphens, apparently.

Currently experiencing the charming, end-of-semester alienation I always seem to get stuck with. With each passing semester, the bitterness just gets thicker. I get sick frequently (or really sick every so often, like getting a super fever for one day and being convinced it'll be the thing that kills me), am always exhausted, always out of laundry, eating poorly. The end of semester is a wonderful, fantastical time of year that never feels good. Maybe one of these years, I'll have a good semester's end. Until then... well.

An opportunity for a unique, out of province summer came and went (plus a day of moping with a loop of Noah and the Whale songs), and although I was hoping to spend my summer back home in Alberta, it seems Vancouver's got some other, interesting plans for me. Regardless, I'd like my summer to be filled with adventures, books, new movies, filmmaking and new acquaintances. I am forming a list of things to do, things to accomplish as the days grow longer. Old habits will die hard, but I am prepared for a great deal of change in my future.

The past two semesters have been rather revealing in more ways than one. As the culmination of this time spent comes and goes on Tuesday, it's more a time of reflection for me, rather than a time of celebration. There's more reflection upon this to come, I am sure. But for now, let me say, that although my time spent amidst the frustrating pit that was this whole venture - the experience that this time has afforded me will become invaluable. Regardless of the outcome. And what an outcome it is turning out to be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about experience and perception, values that people will put on individuals depending on their employment, education, gender and ability to represent themselves.  I guess this train of thought has come by because of my long-winded battle with the Vancouver job market. But it seems, from struggles comes logical thought, enlightenment and growing patience. Realizing that being satisfied in any job that is outside of filmmaking isn't necessary.  Realizing that I need a lot more than a resume and diligence to get anywhere at any speed. I'm in this for the long haul, and I guess I've finally realized it's going to be a hell of a long haul.

Each person seems to lead their own lives of bizarre happenings. I hope everyone's doing alright with theirs.

Things you need to know about:

GLITTER AND DOOM: SFU's 2nd year film screening
Yes, it has come to an end. COME AND SEE THE RESULT.

Trailer:


Here's the event on FACEBOOK.

Tickets & Screening Info.


HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU: SFU's Grad film screening

Trailer:


Here's the event on FACEBOOK.

Tickets & Screening Info.

Check out our ad in this week's Georgia Straight!


NARRATED BY MORGAN FREEMAN

Something dreadful happened, yet another harddrive crash. As a result, a few film kids are going on an adventure, to make up for lost time. Spread the word and follow the journey on twitter and facebook.

Check out their Indiegogo page.


To see the outcome of this Morgan Freeman business, plus tons of other excellent Grad films, be sure to come to the Grad screening!

All of the screenings are taking place at the Djavad Mowafaghian Cinema at the Goldcorp Center for the Arts (SFU Woodwards) in Vancouver, British Columbia. Tell your friends! We love a grand audience just as much as we love putting on a show!

Articulation.

Apologies, another 'these are my feelings' post. I'm very antsy and stressed, I've got to get it out somehow.

After this long haul of two semesters draws to an uncomfortably hasty close, I'm disappointed, exhausted and anxiety ridden. As much as I am ready for this hell-child to be delivered, there's still tons of work to do on our short film for this semester. Trying to tie up the lose ends while job hunting like a fiend, prepping end of semester assignments, battling colds (seemingly all the time?) and getting some shut eye every so often has been difficult. But we're screening May 1st, 2012. So save the date. Save it good. If you love seeing blood, sweat and tears shot on super 16mm film, this screening sure as hell is for you.

I've got a couple sewing projects in tow, just paper plans at the moment. But in the mean time check out this totally normal looking, sort of kitch felt pear I made! To tell you the truth, this pear did have a goofy face. But due to the unlikelihood of people enjoying pears with weird faces as much as myself, I removed it. I mean, I enjoy creating monsters so much more, but I think there is more of a 'market' for classier felties with less of my own brand of psychotic flair.

I am now one of those idiots with one of everything on the internet. Mubi, GoodReads, Pinterest. No wonder I find myself wasting so much time doing things that don't really amount to anything.

The library continues to be a dear friend, I'm now waist deep in Herzog on Herzog by Paul Cronin and it's just absolutely fantastic. Herzog's attitude about, not only filmmaking, but life in general is an absolute gem. I'm really quite enjoying these filmmaker and cinematographer interviews. Although they provide no technical know-how, they instill a certain set of personal values - a sort of code of living, communicating and creating with one's self and others. I find the interviews absolutely enthralling. I've got Scorsese, Leigh, Wilder, Wenders and Tarkovsky lined up for April.

I've spent a lot of time worrying about what other people think of me lately. All this has been so distracting, I could be putting my brain power to something useful! Something that doesn't cause a self-consciousness collapse mid-conversation with an acquaintance. I can identify these short comings with insane accuracy, but it's as if my brain decides that no, it doesn't want to fix it's problems, and I continue in a particularly misconstrued fashion and no progress is made. My brain and I have what I like to call a 'working relationship'.

I am experiencing a feeling of unease these past few days. Past the end of semester stresses, past the always-present anxious sort of nervousness I experience on a daily basis. But I think I just pushed the unease and found this strange, exhilarating space in my consciousness. After dunking myself in a vat of responsibility and new experiences this past weekend on a certain short film, I think I tore open a small corner of the giant tarp suffocating my brain with fear and doubt and all of those wonderful feelings. I deserve a little corner of satisfaction, and I think to remain in a cold, dark corner only to maintain a sense of security is an excuse that I should not be making. The world is a very, very large place. There's room to wander, to change direction, to broaden one's horizons.

So there it is. Onwards, if not upwards.

Anyways, some things you should look at:

Cinnamon Bun. A legitimate song my roommate and I wrote while procrastinating one evening.

The Virtual Stage - a Vancouver based organization combining theater with new media, be sure to check out the Cruel and Unusual short film updates!

The Hobbit Production Blogs - they make my day, every day

Les Blank's documentary Werner Herzog Eats his Shoe, in lieu of Errol Morris' success.

March. March. March.

 Ooh, and it's March already. I've got a pile of things on the ol' "TO DO" list this month - most of that pile are things I'd like to get over with sooner rather than later.

Asides from discovering a voracious affinity for avocado spread on toast (so heavenly - go try it), not a whole lot is new. I'm currently searching high and low for a shiny new job to acquaint myself with. I'm convinced that a new job is my answer to everything. Money woes, boredom woes, getting out and meeting new people woes, all of those woes that haven't let up since sometime mid-2011. I'd really like to get back into the business of books. Bookstores are the most zen place in the world for me, and I would like nothing better than to just be immersed in those paperback labyrinths - dealing with other humans who also enjoy finding those literary gems in the stacks. Girl's gotta dream.

I made peace with the university library recently, and now I have a gigantic stack of film books I'm chugging through. I'm really getting a kick out of these interview-type books on filmmaking. I finished Principal Photography the other day, which is a series of interviews with fifteen cinematographers. It's fascinating the methods of the greats - many things are so similar, yet stylistically and biographically, there are these wonderful differences that are responsible for the immense spread of cinematography methods we see in film today. Two interviews that I found particularly enlightening were those of Gordon Willis (The Godfather, Manhattan) and Allen Daviau (E.T, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun). The interviews contained some technical jargon, but a lot of what they had to say was concerned with how people work on set together, the responsibilities of their post before, during and after production, and some good mantras to remember as a student (and I'm sure, as a professional as well). It also had a great interview with Garret Brown, who developed the Steadicam, "...the moving camera lets you break into the medium itself- the screen stops being a wall and becomes a space you can play in." Next on my list are a large stack of 'director on director' books, more interview-type things. I'm looking forward to exploring some Tarkovsky films in the near future, so I can read his books. I was also just lent two 35mm still photography books (and cameras!) from my friend, Aerlan - which I am pretty jazzed to get my paws on.

I started sewing again yesterday, having freshly cleaned and organized my perpetually filthy desk. Here's a sneak peak of a purple beast I'm about half done. I have a feeling his jowls are subconsciously inspired by dear old Jake from one of my all time favorite cartoons, Adventure Time. Which is a show I think everyone should watch. Everyone. Ever.

I'm finding with my feltie designs in the past two years, although the faces are changing - becoming more complex and expressive - the body shapes are not. In fact, many are just the same base shape. I think once I finish this purple fella, I'm going to try and branch out shape-wise and see what can happen. I'm looking forward to, what I hope is, a long trend of super-felt beasties!

Not too much else to say today! Just make sure you all have MAY 2nd booked on your calendar for the Simon Fraser University 2nd year film screenings! It'll be an evening comprised of a mixed-bag of adventure and super 16mm! Who could ask for more?! I sure couldn't. I would also highly recommend checking out the SFU 3rd year screenings on April 12th AND the SFU Grad screenings on May 3rd, 4th and 5th. All of these are being shown at the Djavad Mowafaghian Cinema at SFU Woodwards!

Things to look at!

     Cool kiddie crafts over at Kids Craft!

     Check out 2011's National Geographic Photo Contest!

     Watch a jewel wasp zombify a cockroach! Science!

     Plus, I was super thrilled to find this documentary on YouTube. After reading a book about all of George Roy Hill's films, I got relatively stoked about finding out how Hill works. This 1970 documentary on the making of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid is so superb. I love it. So much. Watch it. As soon as humanly possible.

     People of a Feather

I saw People of a Feather this past year at VIFF and was impressed by the fact that it was an environmental film that did not preach that the sky was falling. It was able to explain, in simple terms, one specific problem that was causing deaths in the Eider ducks in Canada. What was even better is it's ability to introduce ideas to solve this problem, all while giving a unique historical comparison to the natives of that area, hundreds of years ago to the present.

Please check it out if you have the opportunity! It won best Environmental film at VIFF and was made by three SFU graduate students, two of which stemmed from the film production program.

VANCOUVER DATES:
March 2nd-5th, Vancity Theater
March 6th-9th, Denman Cinema
March 10th-13th, RIO Theater * Cancelled due to BCLC restrictions

     And, thanks to my roommate, I have spent an unreasonable amount of time watching these two brothers be adorable, intelligent and awesome back and forth over YouTube. EXAMPLE:

     Community is back NEXT WEEK.

I hope everyone is having a peachy start to the month. It's going to fly by, I am sure of it.

     If you're not too tired hearing about this Kony business... READ ON.

And here's the time of year...

...when I am thrown back into the pile of accomplishments, thoughts and shames that have hailed me this twentieth year of my life. It becomes more and more of a process, each year that passes, to take what I have experienced and knock it down into 'have' and 'have nots'.

And it's become increasingly important to me how those 'have' and 'have nots' affect not only myself, but my family and those closest to me. There are many places where my mind is and should not be, and vise-versa. There are many things I cannot do, and as I progress in years - that childhood paradigm of 'anything is possible' rapidly dissolves.

Notice: here's a nostalgia studded, 'sigh I am getting old post'. Just putting that business out there. Apologies, this blog's become rather emotional. Hoping it'll get back to the same old when... well, I don't really know when.

Another notice: I share a birthday with Alan Rickman. Yes.

End of January Update

And what a January it's been. It feels like this month's gone by fairly slow, until I look at all of the nonsense that I have/should have gotten done. This next year is going to be chalk full of busyness and work and the careful, tedious process of redeeming myself where I allowed disgrace - while at the same time, maintaining and improving my standing in my community. I see a great deal of opportunity for growth this semester, I think I just need to recognize it as such.

Thanks to a talk to my mom, I can sort of see past some of these things that I'm clinging so desperately to. Those colossal "later on down the road" concepts, really. I'm worried about losing these parts of my life because I'm focusing too much on one thing - namely this career that I hope to build for myself. But in the end, these things will pop up if and when they need to. I have a feeling this semester will teach me quite a bit about relinquishing my hold on some future, not necessarily prospects, but those distant sort of fairy tale matters.

And thanks to a talk I had the very next day with my film group and our instructor, it feels like a twelve pound boa constrictor has been exorcized from my guts. We all got the opportunity to say what none of us were saying to one another. It was becoming rather destructive. It will take time for things to be stitched up completely, but for now I'm very glad that I was able to get that chunk of festering anxiety off my chest and onto the table

I suppose another thing I have to learn is when pursuits become destructive, and to be able to recognize healthy pacing for large endeavors. After six months of over-saturation in what I'm going to call a 'hazardous dip into the deep end' driven by all the wrong reasons, I've had to pull back and start back from square one. Gotta soak my toes in the proverbial ocean before I put my head under.

If that makes any sense. It probably does not.

In less heavy news, I finally filled that hole in my heart (or, as some might say, that empty terrarium I've been carting around for two years) with a new wonderful little being whom I have named Hiccup. He's a Reed Frog, of which variation I have yet to identify. He seems to be doing well, but he's a lonely little fellow. In the event I get new, shiny job (hopefully) soon, I might get him a companion or two.

I've got a few shoots I'm crewing on in February, which is great. I've got a couple days picked during reading week to obtain my Standard First Aid certificate, which is a fairly daunting step - but I'm excited to have that advantage. In the mean time, I'm hoarding references and resume bait to join Women in Film and Television Vancouver. My mom found and suggested this to me a year or so ago and it was, at first, an easy decision for me to dismiss as an 'absolutely not'. For a time, I considered myself, not necessarily 'above' special women's programs for film, but I considered it a bit of a handicap. But in lieu of the last little while, I have recognized my need to take opportunities like these as they arise. Women's presence in film continues to disappoint me, another film student posted this article the other day.

I've been doing a bit of tinkering with felt and crafts. I was rather unmotivated to do much of anything last year, but hopefully I can make a few dollars selling bits and pieces in the next couple of months. I am shamefully poor at the moment.

Some wonderful things I came across this past week:

• Vimeo has a cooking channel. And it's beautiful.
• This man. Cinematographer for Easter Promises, The Empire Strikes Back and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
• Rock Cottage Year - Gardening and cooking!

Twenty twelve.

Olá ladies and gentlemen! I hope everyone had started off their brand new year with reasonable frabjousness and you've got exciting things ahead. School's started again, and I feel the unmistakable burn of acute disinterest, it'll pass one of these days.

I did some crafts for family and friends this Christmas. I made up some wee cards, which I had tons of fun cutting those tiny snowflakes that you fold and then unfold. They didn't end up really looking like snowflakes at all, you win some and you lose some. I was also lame this Christmas and had to give my Gran and my parents the old 'book of coupons', whose orders are never filled. Ever. I promised both my Gran and my mother a pair of handknitted socks. I have tried knitting socks twice. Both times have almost ended in me trying to gouge my eyes out with knitting needles. It was the easy way out of a no-money Christmas gift. The guilt. Oh the guilt.

I also made my Gran a tiny tree ornament and I made my roomie a shark feltie, with an important message embroidered on it. I got some great functional things for Christmas, including an electric blanket (also known as my new best friend), a nice windbreaker and a power drill. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now a twenty-something woman who owns her own damn power tools. Also, steak knives.

The holidays gave me time to mull some things over that required a bit of mulling. I spent a lovely week in Canmore with my parents and aunt, visiting my grandparents' farm on boxing day. After a lacklustre new years eve spent waiting for each member of my family to drop off to sleep before the ball dropped, we packed our bags and caught an early flight to Mexico that new years day.

Asides from a bout of food poisoning, which still is following me around and reminding me of it's presence at inopportune moments, the holidays were great. Time spent with people who enjoy listening to things I have to say and remain supportive of me in my old age. It's always nice to go back home for a stint, takes me away from my own life and puts me right in with another. I did quite a bit of reading - having told myself I couldn't read anything except for textbooks and film writings last semester, I reveled in some good ole science fiction paperbacks. I enjoyed both Hyperion by Dan Simmons and Ringworld by Larry Niven. I also finished, at long last, Film Lighting by Malkiewicz - which was an absolutely fantastic read. A combination of technical references and interviews with professionals. I cracked open Walden, only to have to close it and declare it one of those books I'll save for a 'rainy day', which in all likelihood means I wont pick it up for another three or four years. I'm also in the middle of Professional Film Lighting by Carlson and Carlson - which is a dated book, being about as old as I am, but I'm using it as an intermediate for when I crack open the Set Lighting Technician's Handbook by Box. I also got a fancy subscription to American Cinematographer for Christmas with a load of backissues to delve into. I haven't had a magazine subscription since middle school, and AC is a fantastic read. So I am rather pleased.

Having dropped my economics course for this semester, thank goodness, my class schedule has thinned out considerably. This is quite nice, as it gives me plenty of time to be on sets (I've already spent over 40 hours on set in the past week) and actively seeking a new job. My first screenwriting class last week culminated in a half page of notes and personified bacon, toast and eggs smiling and holding hands. It was a productive day. Needless to say, being back in school hurts a little this semester. It's so blase. This is the tail end of my fourth year in University. It feels sort of like forever. Which is unpleasant.

It's been curious, these past five months or so, I've gone through some strange internal things that have culminated in, what I can only describe as, a bit of a reinvention via insane amounts of stress, worry and doubt. Becoming agonizingly aware of how I function around other people has forced me to recon with the image that I put out to other people and the little slice of non-reputation I seem to have with my peers. It's been curious, but rather enlightening. I've experienced these things very much in stages, first realizing that I never had anything to say because, in my mind, other people's word come before my own. Then I just sort of started ignoring everyone. Now I'm onto the stage of, yes I have things to say, but I am just going to sit here and listen to what you have to say instead of telling you what I think. It's a process, ladies and gentlemen. It's hard to contest with people who can so easily hold their intelligence over your head, and it's hard to see through that jack-assery to the fact that you can, indeed, be intelligent but not arrogant.

Anyways, lots of living and learning going on, as per usual. I haven't been feeling too great this week, so I haven't gotten a whole lot done between that and being on set. But I hope I can level out next week and get some things done. I turn 21 in just over a month, and although I don't think I've changed too much in the past year, I seem to have learned a lot. I'm seeking a bit of shuffling around in my routine, so I'm hoping I can land a new job in the next month or so and get on with things. It feels like I've been stubbornly sitting in a puddle for the past little while. It's nice to realize what I want, and it's nice to know that maybe I'm getting to the point where I feel empowered enough to go out and get it. Again, it's a process.

For Freak Steaks is back up and running - cinematography stuff and junk. Vunderbaar!
I've also gotten a Mubi account, if any of you are into that.

Holy Shmokes.

It's December, ladies and gentlemen, as I am sure you have heard. Yesterday was (thankfully) my last day of classes for 2011 and I have a single exam on Thursday. Although I am not content and I walk away from this semester a slightly estranged person, my mind is already elsewhere and I am ready to move on.

This semester, I think, will go down in my own personal history as "That time you humiliated yourself for the last damned time". My second year film was shot almost three weeks ago and the personal drawbacks were astounding. I have been unwittingly stubborn, outrageously cowardly and excessively self-conscious. I don't know if I've officially turned some sort of a corner (the straw that broke the camel's back, as it were), but essentially I am tired of being doubtful and self conscious, nervous and anxious. I let people walk all over me, and I haven't had the brass to stand up for myself since High School.

Now, I've been like this for a long time. Determined to remain a stranger to new things, outrageously set in my ways, no matter the ridiculousness of my methods. If it took this fall to change me, then it's best for the long run. So I guess for the foreseeable future, I've got an intense internal project going on. As I've got to change the fundamentals of my entire being. It's going to be wildly uncomfortable.

Well, that's that. Now to talk about other things.

Counting up the shoots I've been on this semester, I'm rather proud to see I've been on eleven. Seeing as how I amass experience on a rather alternative scale on set than say, at school, I am pleased to know that I can work somewhat functionally on a set.

I've decided to discontinue my strange video blog, as I have deemed it a extreme 'exercise in narcissism' and we don't need any more of that flying around the internet. But in it's place,  I have started a new Tumblr, known as For Freak Steaks. It was inspired by a friend's blog, Please Look. Basically I wanted a place to assemble bits of photography and cinematography that I can just amass as I'd like, draw upon as inspiration and practice for the eye. As a drive to further my knowledge in film history and technique, I am pairing this with my film journal. I'll watch a film, write up a page on it and then take some screen captures of what I thought looked fantastic. The examples I'm pulling have many motivations for singling out, whether I like the use of practicals, the depth of field or the lighting.

I'm really stoked on Christmas this year. Mind you, I don't think I've experienced a Christmas yet that I haven't been stoked for. I haven't really been home sick, as I spent two weeks hanging out in Canmore in August, I just feel I need to be with people who know me and care about me and stuff (i.e. my family). My Mom goes crazy with Christmas, so it's always full of people and food and fun things to do. Plus, this year as most of everyone's Christmas gift, my family's taking a trip to Mexico for a week! I haven't been traveling for a while, our last family trip was probably six years ago. I'm saddened by the prospect that this might be our last family vacation, but I am thankful for it and I think it's going to be a ton of fun.

Anyways, that's all I've got on my mind lately. I hope everyone's having a superb start to the holiday season. Give everyone you love in your life a bear hug and build a gingerbread house or something.

Cheers.