Lucky Lemon: And here's the time of year...

...when I am thrown back into the pile of accomplishments, thoughts and shames that have hailed me this twentieth year of my life. It becomes more and more of a process, each year that passes, to take what I have experienced and knock it down into 'have' and 'have nots'.

And it's become increasingly important to me how those 'have' and 'have nots' affect not only myself, but my family and those closest to me. There are many places where my mind is and should not be, and vise-versa. There are many things I cannot do, and as I progress in years - that childhood paradigm of 'anything is possible' rapidly dissolves.

Notice: here's a nostalgia studded, 'sigh I am getting old post'. Just putting that business out there. Apologies, this blog's become rather emotional. Hoping it'll get back to the same old when... well, I don't really know when.

Another notice: I share a birthday with Alan Rickman. Yes.

I'm turning 21 pretty soon. I look at the number, and I am convinced I'm still a young gun - I've got more of a chunk of life ahead of me than behind, assuming everything goes smoothly. But I just feel ancient. I remember, with a fond heart, events that took place some eight to twelve months ago, and I see myself as a very different person. But the hiccup is, I feel others view me as very much the same.

Looking back, I've noticed a trend. It's like every other day, my hope in my own abilities is restored and I feel like I can do anything. But I wake up the next morning and I am unable to comprehend how I'll ever even get a two bit job bagging groceries in this city. Tiring as it is, '... if we're going to survive, it's up to us to concentrate on the good moments... and ignore the bad'.

This year's been about feeling sorry when I shouldn't, feeling paralyzed when I shouldn't. I feel I have strength buried somewhere in my soul, but it's awfully shy.

Growth has been amazingly hard to see this past year. Opportunities always appear to be dwindling. But perhaps a 21st birthday is as good as any occasion to really work on turning over that new leaf that everyone's always on about.

These puppies.

In less aging crisis news, I've been slowly restructuring the way I... look? I guess? I did a closet purge of a lot of clothes I've had since high school last week and have done a bit of replacing with coats and things. Later today, I'm purchasing a new pair of glasses. I've had the same pair for some eight-odd years, and the idea of replacing what has essentially become a piece of my face has been slightly daunting. But, I've chosen to not worry (something I've been trying to do in many facets of life, most to no avail whatsoever). My frames are picked. I struck out last week to find a pair of glasses similar to what Kevin Costner wears in JFK. I found the exact pair, and today they shall be mine! They are quite different than this slim-lined red pair I have. It'll be strange, to be sure. Slightly worried I'll develop a split personality over my glasses.

I've spent some time this year exploring colour palettes and the techniques of the masters. I'm amassing a digital look book with Google's Picasa, which has been a great program to just utilize for this purpose. Within it I have photography, film stills, illustrations - anything that I like the look of. Whether it's the lighting or the practicals, the colour palette, or simply the feeling it imparts on me. It's becoming a great resource. And I love me some resources.

Most days, it's difficult for me to see past the towering entities that are the destined greats in this field. But there are these breaks in the continuity where I can see past and into a future that I can see myself in. I was on the way to a student shoot the other day and reading this month's issue of American Cinematographer. In an interview with John Bailey, ASC, director of photography for the film Big Miracle said, "... there is an argument to be made for going slow and learning and studying what other people have done". It restored in me a slight bit of hope. I haven't been moving all that quickly through my field. I take a lot of time to study the work of others, watching films and trying to find those pearls of wisdom in their technique. But at the same time, I'm not as concentrated in my studies as I probably should be. As I read books on lighting, gripwork and cinematography, as I'm on student sets and watching films - I also feel the need to crack open a biology textbook on amphibian physiology or a science fiction trilogy, volunteering at the Aquarium and such. I rather enjoy exploring other facets of life, and I wouldn't give that up for anything. I suppose it's about finding that balance.

And what's coming up next week? Valentines day. A pink and red saturated calendar day that has never really meant too much to me. Highlights include adorable nonsense that dates back to fourth grade, when my late friend John asked me at the end of the day if I had gotten his Goofy themed valentine - or the spectacular shower of cinnamon hearts that came spewing from a blonde boy's mouth after someone made him laugh in class. And for the remainder of my grade school days, Valentines was the day Dad brought us home funny coloured roses (one year, they were orange and blue), Grandma sent twenty dollars in a glittery pink Hallmark card and mom would buy us some heart-shaped candy.

This month's reads.

This year, I've sandwiched Valentines day with two eight hour first aid training days and I'm heading to the Biltmore for cheap Tuesdays for a beverage. I'm going to walk into that venue with floor level expectations, and walk out with the same. Because I'm sort of tired of worrying about fellahs and all of that romance business. Goal for the rest of the year: put it on the backburner - as in that one burner that's never really on. Why? I've come to the conclusion that it is detrimental, distracting and the only result of me worrying about it is an increased amount of worry. Which is just as fantastic as it sounds.

I'm throwing myself a bit of a birthday this coming Thursday - as I am fond of throwing parties. Unlike last year, this time round's going to be a classy joint, all dressed up and champagne soaked. I'm rather looking forward to it. After appetizers at my house, we're heading down to a lounge I discovered (via Google, because I apparently never leave my home) called Eight 1/2. Not only is it within stumbling distance of my home, but it has a myriad of film director themed food and cocktails. Appropriate for film student consumption? Yes. I bought myself a dress, buying a pair of fancy shoes later today, and will be feeling fancy for Thursday.

Anyways, that's all for now. Apologies for the lengthy and sappy post. I've been doing a bit of crafting and am sort of excited to share that next time. Hope February is treating everyone superbly - cheers.

Miscellaneous finds!

Some new soundtracks I've fallen in love with: